


Indisputably Well-Laid Plans

by OneOfThoseThings



Series: Nice Things; Good Things [5]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: A Reckless Mix of Snark and Sincerity, A little bit of Tencest, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien/Human Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, But with interrogation drugs oops, Donna is Donna, Fluff and Humor, In Vino Veritas, Jack being Jack, Minor Donna Noble/Rose Tyler, Minor Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Donna Noble, Minor Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness/Rose Tyler, Minor Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Telepathy, The Doctor (Doctor Who) is a Dork, The smut comes in at the end but oh it's a comin, Threesome - F/M/M, as a treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27133546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneOfThoseThings/pseuds/OneOfThoseThings
Summary: Having realized that Jack, Rose, and the metacrisis Doctor are all open to at least some level of unconventional relationship, the Doctor and Donna propose an even less conventional arrangement. But properly, with dates and all the traditional courtship. It’s all crystal clear.(Spoiler: It is not crystal clear.)
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Donna Noble, Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Donna Noble, Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness, Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness/Donna Noble
Series: Nice Things; Good Things [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932247
Comments: 62
Kudos: 98





	1. A Crystal Clear Invitation

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to Quercusrobur for once again beta reading through my very questionable grasp of how commas work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically all you need to know for this story to make sense if you have no tolerance for reading a whole series or just need a reminder:  
> > The Doctor, the metacrisis Doctor, Donna, Rose, and Jack are all traveling together.  
> > (Recently) established relationships are Doctor/Donna and metacrisis Doctor/Rose/Jack.

The Doctor burst into the paper airplane room with an enthusiastic, “There you all are!” 

The metacrisis Doctor nearly fell off the back of the folded couch, and Rose would’ve gone right with him if Jack hadn’t caught them both. 

“And you’re all awake!” the Time Lord continued, waltzing right in. “Brilliant!” 

Donna came in behind him with one hand up, obscuring her eyes, but not her faint groan. “Doctor, we talked about this…”

“Yes, well they’re all dressed aren’t they?” the Doctor pointed out, coming around and helpfully nudging his twin the rest of the way back onto the couch. 

“Did you _want_ something?” the metacrisis Doctor asked, as primly as he could while tugging his collar and sleeves straight. 

“Donna and I were thinking― We should all go to dinner!” He turned to Donna, still lingering near the doorway. “Right, Donna?” 

“I’m pretty sure we’re going to need to have an actual conversation,” Donna hinted unsubtly. 

“Much later. I’m well-versed in the traditions now.” The Doctor shrugged that off, holding a hand out to Jack. “Captain?” 

Jack blinked at his hand, looked sideways at the other two on the couch, but allowed himself to be pulled upright. “Um,” he said, “…Yes?”

“Brilliant!” The Doctor beamed and held his other hand out to Rose, wiggling the fingers. “Dame Rose?” 

She took his hand, and then squeaked as he pulled and twisted, spinning her into a half embrace at his side. “Is there some sorta occasion?” she laughed. 

The Doctor smiled down at her. “Course there is! I’ve just said. Dinner, with all five of us,” he reminded. 

“Yeah, you haven’t actually explained anything,” Donna said, coming around and helping the metacrisis Doctor up as well, offering an elbow. 

He tucked in at her side. “Oh, is there an explanation? I thought he’d just gone mad. Well,” he hedged, “madd _er_.” 

“I don’t see how I could be any more clear,” the Time Lord said. He turned to Jack and Rose. “You agree, yes? We’ll all have dinner together? You three _with_ Donna and me?”

“Um,” Rose said, “Sure.” She turned a bemused look on Donna. “Sorry, have you two been getting lonely?”

“Course not!” the Doctor assured her, already tugging them toward the door. “We just want you to join us. If you’d like,” he hurried to add. 

“I could eat,” Jack said helpfully, earning a megawatt grin. 

“Where would you like to go? Somewhere nice, right, Donna?” he craned a look over his shoulder. 

Donna gave him a strangely exasperated look. “You’re really going to have to be _much_ more direct than this,” she said. 

He blinked at her, steering them all toward the console room. “You want me to pick the planet? I thought it would be more polite to ask.” 

“Not what I meant and I’m pretty sure you know it!” 

“Have you two been interfering with the TARDIS again? Maybe the ventilation systems?” the metacrisis Doctor asked. 

Donna gave him a look and started to say something, but the Time Lord was already carrying on from halfway down the corridor. 

“Donna, how about that place in the crystal caves? The one with glasses that taste like rock candy?” he called back. 

“Yeah, sounds lovely,” she grumbled.

The metacrisis waited until there was a reasonable distance between them and ducked to whisper to Donna, “Really, what’s this about?” He was already starting to look a bit worried. “Did something happen? Are you all right?” 

“Nothing’s wrong!” Donna assured him “It’s just…” She cast a furtive glance down the corridor, purposefully slowing as the others turned the corner. 

The human Doctor peered at her with familiar earnest concern. “Just…?” 

Donna swallowed down the butterflies and turned to him properly. “You can say no,” she started. “But we’re going to ask if you’d like to, well, I don’t want to say _date_ …” She grimaced slightly. “But― well― Would you, perhaps, want to… have a go of it? All together?”

The Doctor in blue blinked at her, head tilting sharply. “What?” 

Donna took a breath. “Would you want to open up your relationship with Rose and Jack to include the other Doctor and me?”

The human Doctor stumbled, jerking around to look at her. “Really?” 

“Um,” she said, “…Yes?” She hurried to add, “Only if you’re interested! Doesn’t have to be awkward if the answer’s ‘no.’” 

“Oh,” he said. “Oh!” He stepped closer. “…Could I kiss you?” 

“Um.” Donna refused to blush. “Yeah, I’d think that would be a pretty standard part of it.” 

He ducked in and she realized, belatedly, that that hadn’t been a hypothetical. But by then he was already kissing her like a fairytale come to life. And he was all furred warmth where she’d gotten used to smooth and cool, but he pulled her in with long-fingered hands cupped ever-so-gently against her cheek and her heart ached like she’d only just remembered what home felt like. 

She was the one who had to pull back, laughing a bit breathlessly. “Take it you’re interested?”

“Oh, yes.” He snuck another kiss and pulled back before she could really do much about it. 

She swatted at him half-heartedly. “We have to have an actual adult conversation,” she reminded him. “And Rose and Jack might say no.” 

He scoffed. “You mean Jack _Harkness_ , right? He’d have shagged the ice bear if he'd thought it was offering.”

“So flattering,” Donna grumbled. “But I more meant Rose might not… I know this is a foreign concept to you nutter aliens, but some humans have pretty strong preferences about gender.” 

The Doctor looked her up and down, like he wasn’t quite clear on her implication. “I think Rose knows you’re female…” he said blankly. 

“Yeah, and that might not work for her,” Donna said, trying not to get too defensive about it. 

He looked her over again, more slowly, and increasingly baffled. “But you’re brilliant!” 

“I’m not going to shag you in the hall no matter how nicely you butter me up,” she warned. 

“What?!” he squeaked. “I wasn’t―“

“Donna??” the same voice echoed down the corridor and they both jumped slightly, shifting apart. 

“Yeah, coming!” she shouted. To the nearer Doctor she held out a hand and refused to blush when he took it just a bit too eagerly. “All right then?”

He glanced down at their hands, up to her mouth, and then the rest of the way up to her eyes. “You already have the proper Doctor… but you’d still want me?” 

Donna wasn’t quite sure whether to frown or smile. “Of course I would. You’re my best mate, right?”

The metacrisis Doctor blinked and then unleashed a grin that could rival the stars. “Oh, yes!” He tucked her hand into his side, pulling her back into motion. “Let’s go ask!”

“Oh, no!” She planted her heels. “The other Doctor is convinced we have to court them properly. If you just come out and ask he’ll lose his damn mind.”

The metacrisis Doctor groaned in a disturbingly familiar tone. “Fine. Let’s go have the most awkward dinner in the history of time itself. But you’re sitting by me!”

“Yeah, all right,” she laughed.

“And I get to hold your hand!”

“Straight to ‘needy;’ that’s nice.” She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep from smiling. Conveniently, he didn’t notice, too focused on pulling her along. 

* * *

The Doctor insisted that everyone stop by the wardrobe, ‘for the tradition,’ and the humans decided to just go with it. 

They skipped ahead to the next available reservation, and then they all stepped out into the most beautiful cavern of crystalline structures, primarily transparent, creating a web of overlapping panes.

They were led to a table set on the edge of a wide open space that let in the faintest starlight from above, reflecting and refracting into dreamy ambient light. 

The metacrisis Doctor slid in next to Donna while the Time Lord was still trying to work out how to pull out a chair in a booth setup. 

He gave his half-human counterpart a suspicious look, but perched himself next to Rose without comment. 

“So what’s the occasion?” Jack asked, putting his arm over the back of the booth and leaning up against the window so that Rose could crowd in next to him. 

“We wanted to take you to dinner,” the Doctor said slowly, like he had no idea why he needed to keep saying so. He gestured to Donna across the table. “Donna and I are the ‘we’ in that sentence. You, Rose, and the other one are the ‘you…’” He looked over at Donna to see if she knew what else needed clarifying. 

Donna rolled her eyes skyward. “We’d like to… uh, get to know you better.” 

The metacrisis Doctor made a sound like he was choking on his own tongue and she elbowed him. 

“…Right…” Rose said, but they were all conveniently distracted by the large, bat-like waiter who hunched over. 

* * *

The food was excellent, if a bit crunchy, and the drinks were all swirled in glasses that did, indeed taste like rock candy. It was almost nice enough to make up for the Doctor’s increasingly manic behavior.

Almost.

The metacrisis Doctor ducked his head to whisper in Donna’s ear, “Has he been in the ginger beer?”

She frowned at him. “Why would you ask _that?_ ”

“No reason,” he said quickly. “But really though― Are we just going to watch him have some sort of mental breakdown? He’s scaring Rose.”

Across the table, Rose laughed raucously, looking, as usual, like she wasn’t even familiar with the concept of ‘fear.’ 

Donna cocked a brow at the human Doctor.

“She hides it well,” he sniffed.

The other three had shifted around so that Jack was sitting at a 45 degree angle with Rose held in his lap like a beloved stuffed bear. The Doctor had one leg up, knee bumping into Jack’s hand, and looked like he was one emphatic gesture away from climbing right into the pile. 

“Doctor,” Donna called, and laughed when he immediately snapped his head over to look at her. “Do you think we should move this along to the next bit?” she hinted. 

“Oh, is there a next bit?” Rose asked, still laughing and dabbing at her eyes. “Let me guess― The bats are all part of an underground criminal network that steals ears?” 

“Oh, no, we disrupted that years ago,” the metacrisis Doctor said. “Why do you think they’re so friendly and grateful?” 

Three serving staff lurched by, glaring unblinkingly over their dramatic wings. 

“… _So_ friendly…” Jack said, surreptitiously eying his glass for any unexpected residue. 

“So what’s the plan then?” Rose asked, gamely. 

The Time Lord went very still like a frozen program so Rose and Jack turned to Donna. 

“Um,” she said, glancing at the Doctor, who was still stalled out. “Nice night for a moonlit walk?” 

All four humans, including Donna, glanced up at the noticeable lack of moonlight. 

“Brilliant idea, Donna!” the Doctor exclaimed, startling the two closest to him. He twisted up to his feet, pulling them along like ungainly ducks on strings. 

“We can talk while we walk,” she hinted again, nudging the metacrisis Doctor out and up. He immediately snatched her hand back into his, swinging their joined arms cheerily. 

“Walking and talking,” he chirped. “Right in the Time Lord repertoire.” 

The Time Lord slanted a suspicious glance over, but he just grinned back. 

“Quite right,” the Doctor said, and lead them toward the handily marked slide down to the lower levels of crystalline catwalks.


	2. A Little Moonlit Stroll

The crystal cave system had levels handily demarcated for visitors who might not guess how to navigate the nearly transparent layers. It felt a bit like a multi-level glass maze, but lights were added as guides and at least some of the walls seemed to be translucent or opaque. There was a pool that was just a few levels down and it boasted a leisurely walk ‘for the romantic strollers.’ Which suited their current attire well. Even practical flats and converses didn’t make up for the complete lack of friction on the crystal. Only Jack seemed to be able to manage it with any grace, claiming ice skating as relevant experience. 

“So, Doc-tor,” Donna hinted, “Anything we might want to ask Rose and Jack, now that we have their attention?” 

The pair looked over, curious, but the Time Lord let out a nervous bark that was probably supposed to be a laugh. “What a strange, out-of-the-blue question, Donna!” 

“I’m not your emotional support translator!” Donna warned. 

“This is going to take _forever_ ,” the metacrisis Doctor groaned. “Can’t you just―“

The Time Lord speared him with a suspicious glare. “Just _what?_ ”

The bearded Doctor made a hand-over-hand rolling gesture meant to suggest ‘move it along.’ 

The Doctor glared even harder, snapping his attention back to Donna. “You told _him_?!”

“I _asked_ him,” she corrected, defensively. “Because that’s how people actually communicate in this reality!” 

The Doctor squawked, yanking his cuffs like he wasn’t sure whether he wanted them to go up or down. 

“It’s not like _you_ were going to ask me!” the metacrisis Doctor pointed out, pulling Donna a bit closer. “Probably didn’t even occur to you!” 

The Doctor scowled, gesturing toward the other two humans. “Clearly you don’t have any objections!” He flicked his eyes down to where he had Donna’s hand clasped firmly. “I’m not asking _myself_ pointless questions just for _politesse_!” 

“Oi!” Donna chided, tucking his twin in for a half-hug. “That’s not fair!” 

“He knows what I mean,” the Doctor grumbled, tugging at his tie. 

“What _do_ you mean?” Jack asked, curiously. 

“Yeah, what are you guys talking about?” Rose added. 

Donna ducked her head. “Um…”

The Time Lord scratched at his collar and the skin underneath was much redder than usual. 

“Are you all right?” Rose asked. 

“Perfectly fine!” the Doctor said, far too brightly. “Donna, if I could…?” He inserted himself between her and his twin, half-pulling, half-sliding her several meters off to the side and around one of the more translucent crystalline walls, just out of easy hearing distance.

“Oi, what’s gotten into you?”

“I-don’t-know,” he said, without any space between the words. “My heart rate is elevated and I can’t seem to stop talking.” 

“Aw,” she said. “You’ve got butterflies.” 

“No,” he corrected. “ _Really_ elevated.” He caught her hand and pulled two fingers to his own pulse, which was flying like a hummingbird. 

“Oh my God!” Donna immediately pulled out her sonic with one hand and waved the other Doctor over with the other. She ran a quick scan and then re-ran it.

“Do we have side-huddles now? How ‘play-within-a-play,’” the metacrisis said mildly, coming up unsteadily beside them. 

Donna didn’t waste time with any lead-in. “The Doctor’s been drugged, but I don’t know with what, and his system’s going haywire!” She passed over her scan results. 

The human Doctor read the scan, ran his own, and then reran it, boggling. “What? What??” 

The Time Lord staggered just standing there and then gave his head a quick shake. “Actually, I’m feeling better just now.” 

“Do you think you could make it back to the TARDIS?” Donna asked, pulling his arm over her shoulder. 

“No need to cut the night short,” he said, and then seemed to realize she was much closer. “Oh, hello!” 

“Hi,” Donna said absently. She turned to the metacrisis Doctor, running a scan on him with her free hand. “How are you feeling?”

“Distinctly less optimistic, but otherwise fine,” he said. “You?”

“Same.”

The bearded Doctor turned, calling, “Jack? Rose? Are you two feeling all right?” 

They were immediately much closer. 

“Yeah. Why?”

“Fine,” Jack said. “Is it too much to hope you’re just making conversation?” 

“I think those bats drugged the Doctor,” Donna said, shifting his hand a little higher from where it had strayed toward her chest. “Just this one though.” 

“They’re not _actually_ bats,” the metacrisis Doctor said and then gave the Time Lord a speculative glance. “They’re bat- _like_ though. Maybe the two hearts gave him away? Pretty good ears on them.” 

“That’s quite clever, actually,” the Time Lord said, sounding genuinely impressed. “What clever bats!” He twisted around to grin goofily at Donna. “Aren’t those bats clever?” 

“Yes, we’ll get them a lovely blue ribbon,” Donna said sarcastically. To the others, she continued, “What do we think? Back to the TARDIS?” 

“We can’t go back to the TARDIS yet!” the Time Lord cried out emphatically. And then paused and attempted to stage whisper, “Or did we already have the conversation? I seem to be having some trouble remembering…”

“We’re going to have it later,” Donna said patiently, pulling his arm up again. 

“But Donnaaaaa,” he whined, draping nearly his full weight over her dramatically. 

“Oof! Easy there!” She managed to keep from falling, catching him in a half hold. 

“Is this part of it?” he asked, fuzzily. “Seems strange, but all right.” Without any further ado, he twisted, pulling her into an enthusiastic snog. 

“Mmph!” Donna flailed. 

“Alllll right!” The metacrisis Doctor ducked in, pulling his twin’s other arm over his own shoulders. “Let’s get you back to the TARDIS!” 

The Time Lord looked around, bemused. “Starting with you?” he asked with that same fuzzy, rhetorical tone. “Would’ve thought Jack, but all right.” He twisted like an eel, fastening his mouth over his doppelgänger’s with equal enthusiasm. 

“Whoops!” Donna jumped in, pulling his other arm back around her own shoulders. “Let’s not start that up, Narcissus!” 

“That’s a clever metaphor,” the Doctor said, petting his sputtering twin with the hand still draped over him. “We _are_ a bit pretty this go around.” He looked over at her with wide, blown out eyes. “You don’t mind though, do you?” 

“No, it’s lovely. C’mon, pretty bird, we’ll get you a mirror back on the TARDIS.” She tugged them forward, starting a very slow stagger in the right direction. 

“I could just carry him,” Jack offered. 

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea…” Donna said, already a bit out of breath and having to deal with a wandering hand now. 

“He’s a bit― Hang on…” The metacrisis Doctor licked his own lips, tongue flickering out curiously, and then ducked in, kissing his counterpart again. 

The Time Lord made a pleased sound like he’d been unexpectedly presented with cake. 

The metacrisis Doctor pulled back again, smacking his lips. “Slightly chalky... I’ll bet it’s an impulse control inhibitor!” He flicked his tongue against his teeth. “Oh, we’re going to have a very uninhibited Time Lord on our hands.” 

“ _Going_ to?” Donna grumbled, ducking the Time Lord’s next kiss only to have him get distracted mouthing around her ear. She angled around to try to see the metacrisis Doctor on the other side. “Could the TARDIS work out an antidote?” 

“Don’t see why n―mmph!” He had to push the Time Lord off with his free hand. “Not _now_! You’ve been drugged! Haven’t you been listening?!” 

“Mmhmm,” the Doctor hummed, nuzzling at his hand. 

“Really, I can carry him,” Jack said again. “I won’t even cop a feel. Time Scout’s honor!” 

The Doctor turned to Donna. “Did Jack just offer to carry me over the threshold? I thought that was a different tradition…”

Donna clapped her hand over his mouth. “Tell you what, how about you try very, very hard to keep your inner thoughts to yourself? Just for a bit.”

“Time Lord’s on the fritz right now, Jack,” the metacrisis Doctor explained. “Might not be _you_ copping a feel that we have to worry about.” 

“Thought you said it was an inhibitor, not an aphrodisiac,” Rose pointed out. “Wouldn’t he be less handsy with me or Jack?” 

“Um...” the metacrisis Doctor said, bending around to try to catch Donna’s eye. 

Donna was busy trying to keep a cool tongue off her neck. “Really not sure that’s the best idea!” She squeaked slightly on the last. 

“You can barely move, and he only seems to be getting worse,” Jack argued. “Really, I promise to be a perfect gentleman.” Several scoffs sounded. “I won’t fondle the Time Lord,” he corrected.

The Time Lord in question chose that moment to go completely limp, nearly dragging the metacrisis Doctor and Donna to their knees. 

“Oh for― Fine! If you’re sure!” Donna said, muffled against the Time Lord’s chest. 

“I can carry him on my back,” Jack offered. “For extra propriety.” 

“Yeah, that’s really _not_ what we’re worried about,” the metacrisis Doctor said, trying to fend off the hand that was petting him like a child unfamiliar with how animals should be petted. 

“Okay, here we go.” Jack stooped down in front of them, pulling the Time Lord’s arms over his shoulders, holding his legs around his torso and standing up like that was an everyday affair for them. He started walking at nearly his usual pace. “Try not to fall off, Doc.”

The Doctor shifted, arms gripping more purposefully. “Not quite sure what to make of this position,” he mumbled into Jack’s trapezius. 

“I’m not commenting on that,” Jack said loudly, to the group at large. 

“Did you say ‘yes?’” the Time Lord asked hazily. “It’s very hard to remember just now.” 

“Don’t remember a question, but I’m sure the answer would be ‘yes,’” Jack said gamely. 

“Really?” the Doctor asked in a strange, small voice. “After everything?” 

“Of course,” he said lightly. 

“I really wouldn’t say that _right_ now,” Donna advised.

“Donna doesn’t trust me,” the Doctor mumbled into his collar. “She’s the cleverest, you know. Well. After Martha maybe. Martha was the only one of you who had the sense to run from me.” One cool hand traced a slow path from Jack’s shoulder to chest and started fumbling with his buttons. “ _You’d_ never run from me,” he said dreamily. 

“Doc-tor,” Donna called, “Less talking would be better!” To herself, she muttered, “You’re going to be hiding from everyone for a month after this as it is…”

“Maybe listen to clever Donna,” Jack suggested. 

The Doctor snuffled into Jack’s shoulder, shifting more toward center. “You’re quite clever too,” he said, cool breath puffing against Jack’s neck. “Much cleverer than you let on.” 

“Aw, thanks. You’re sweet when you’re high on interrogation drugs.” 

“The TARDIS likes it when you work on her,” the Doctor continued, like he was only half awake. “She tries to tell you, but she usually ends up telling me by accident.” His right hand slipped inside the front of Jack’s shirt, tracing a ticklish path up to the warm skin over his breastbone. “Shall I relay the message?” 

A pleasant feeling slipped into Jack’s awareness, like a warm breeze working its way under a weather-warped door. It slid between his own thoughts, fizzing like gratitude and welcome.

Jack stuttered, stumbling. “Doc, as much as I appreciate the sentiment, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be in my head right now.” He spoke as calmly as possible, but the metacrisis Doctor whipped around like he’d just asked the Doctor to pretty please stop slicing through his carotid artery. 

“Did he just―?!” 

“Could you get his hand?” Jack asked, calm and casual.

The pleasant sensation in his head only intensified, proud of him for working out how he’d made contact. Something vast and ancient cuddled him close. A beloved aberration that should probably be a source of great shame, but―

The metacrisis Doctor pulled his twin out of contact, re-buttoning Jack’s shirt and pushing the Time Lord’s grip back to the fabric. “No telepathy while you’re drugged,” he said, firmly. “Jack hasn’t _consented_.”

The Time Lord’s grip tightened and retreated. “Captain, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, sounding briefly, horrifically lucid. 

It took Jack a moment to get his throat moving. “It’s okay,” he managed to croak. “Just― not right now, okay?” 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” the Doctor mumbled, haze creeping back in. 

Jack could still feel the imprint of an impossibly large presence in his mind, untempered and lacking any attempt at masking. So powerful it had slipped through his defenses without even noticing they were there. Lava flowing over his strongest barriers like they were folded out of paper. 

“It’s fine,” Jack said, and picked up his pace. 

“It’s hard to remember to be gentle with you,” the Doctor said, nosing closer. “Like an iron fortress with feelings you are.” Cool breath lapped at Jack’s skin. “So sensitive.” Soft lips brushed Jack’s jaw, pressing carefully.

Jack tensed, but his pathetic mental defenses weren’t so much as tested. The Time Lord seemed to be back to enjoying the kissing on a purely physical level.

Really enjoying it, if the limbs tightening like a python were any indication. 

“How far away did we park?” Jack asked, turning to find that he’d accidentally outpaced the others, who were scrambling behind him over the uneven surface.

Rose caught him looking and pointed the way. “Maybe one or two levels more?” she called. 

Jack opened his mouth to offer to wait, but the Time Lord chose that moment to shift his hold closer to Jack’s exposed neck. 

“He’s getting worse. Meet you there?” he called back, already turning. 

“Don’t sprain anything!”

“Why does Rose sound so far away?” the Doctor asked, looking around. “Where’s Donna?” 

“They’re going to meet us back at the TARDIS,” Jack said, breathing heavily from the exertion. 

“Oh,” the Doctor said, and the lack of follow-up questions scared Jack more than anything else. 

“Just a little further,” he panted.

“Have we already had our conversation?” the Doctor asked muzzily. “I can’t quite remember…” He shifted one arm to hold himself, leaving the other hand free to hover by Jack’s mouth, close enough for his own breath to be bounced back in his face. “Your breathing is a bit elevated… Have you noticed?” 

“You’re heavier than you look,” Jack said and kissed his palm as the TARDIS came into view. “Ah, here we go! Home sweet home!” He bounded up to the doors and realized he’d have to fish out his key with all zero hands he could spare. “Doc, could you reach my key?” 

The Doctor’s hand slid down, but not toward any pocket. “Bit forward, but all right…”

“No, not―! My _TARDIS_ key!” Jack yelped, hiking one knee up like that was going to do anything. 

“No need for a TARDIS key,” the Doctor said, smiling against his cheek. “You’ve got me.” He held his hand up, snapping his fingers in front of Jack’s flustered face. 

The doors swung open. 

“Oh, thank God.” Jack rushed in, heading straight for the medbay.

* * *

“How serious is this?” Rose asked, offering a steadying hand to Donna as they scrambled over uneven terrain in slippery shoes. “He didn’t seem like he was hurt… right?” 

“No, he seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself,” Donna grumbled. “Bit like he’s drunk, really.” 

“Very, very drunk,” the metacrisis Doctor agreed. “Remind me _not_ to take up drinking.” 

“Well, he’s a friendly drunk at least,” Rose pointed out. 

“Yeah, somehow I don’t think the bats thought that part through,” Donna said, huffing. “Probably figured he’d go on some sort of rage-fueled killing spree. But lucky us― he just gets handsy.” She turned to the metacrisis Doctor. “What did you do, anyway?” 

“Shut down a crime ring, like Rose guessed.” His blue converse seemed to be having trouble on the slicker crystals. “They all seemed quite glad for the help at the time! Well. I say _all_ …” 

“Neither one of you gets to pick date locations moving forward,” Donna said, pulling him up next to her with a grunt. 

“ _Date_ locations?” Rose asked, brows quirking. 

“Listen, I’m a bit distracted just now,” Donna said around gasps of air. “Could we explain later?”

“Is there something _to_ explain?” Rose followed up. 

“Can I just deal with one thing at a time, please?” Donna asked philosophically. 

The Universe responded with a colony of bats bursting out of a nearby tunnel.

The whirl focused immediately on the metacrisis Doctor, completely ignoring Rose and Donna as they swooped down, plucked him up, and ferried him off down another tunnel. 

“Hey!” Rose shouted, trying to catch a stray claw or wing. “Get back here!” 

“That’s not even the Time Lord!” Donna hollered after them. 

The flurry faded as suddenly as it had come, leaving the women goggling. 

Donna ground her palms into her eyes. “For fuck’s sake!” 


	3. A Minor Diversion

Jack manhandled the Doctor into the medbay as gently as he could with the Time Lord seeming to take re-entry into the TARDIS as some sort of signal that sexy times had officially commenced. 

“The medbay?” the Doctor asked, looking around, while he tried to work his bowtie loose. “Odd place to start, but all right.” He tried to hook his ankle around Jack’s knee, tugging him closer with surprisingly effective coordination for someone who couldn’t find his way out of his own bowtie. 

“I should start by taking a sample, right? There’s got to be something around here that takes samples. And something that analyzes them…” Jack mumbled to himself, trying to make sense of the contents of the nearest drawers and cabinets. “The other Doctor would be better at this. Or Martha. Or Owen… The list of other, better people I could use right now is so long…” He tried to get the TARDIS to help him out, but an alarming amount of massage oil seemed to be mixed in with the medical supplies and he suspected she might be getting confused as well. “I could _call_ Martha…”

“Oh, no!” the Doctor crowed. “No one else! Donna was very clear.” 

Jack looked up from the nearest drawer. “Clear about what?” 

The Doctor waved a hand vaguely. “What’s the phrase you lot use these days? Partners?”

Jack squinted at him. “What are you talking about?” 

“The― It’s not like we agreed on a vocabulary is it?― The thing! The whole thing we’ve been talking about!” He flapped his arms and probably would have fallen if Jack hadn’t caught him by the legs.

“Easy there,” the immortal said, holding him steady with one hand while he fished out something that he was pretty sure would take a sample with the other. “Now, I don’t suppose you’re sober enough to tell me how to work this thing?” 

The Doctor hooked one long leg around, pulling him much closer. “I know how to work all kinds of things.” 

“I’m making a mental list of things you’re going to go over _in detail_ as soon as you’re lucid again,” Jack warned. “And I expect a hell of a reward for not taking you up on all these offers you’re making.” He dislodged the cap, looking for a needle. “Can you take off your jacket?” 

“That one’s for oral samples,” the Doctor said, stripping off his jacket for no reason, apparently. 

“Right,” Jack said, holding it up. “Could you?” 

The Doctor leaned forward and put his mouth over the device and the two fingers Jack had around it. A cool tongue slipped between the digits, curling enticingly. 

“OK, that’s definitely going on the list of things to discuss later,” Jack said, pulling his fingers free. 

The Doctor looked up at him and hollowed his cheeks. 

“That’s probably enough of that,” Jack groaned, pulling the device out and looking around. “Now, what does this go into?” 

“I have several thoughts on that,” the Doctor said.

“I’m willing to bet none of them are medically helpful,” Jack said, and spotted something near a screen with the same basic shape. He snapped the device in and sighed when the machine whirred to life. 

“Probably a blood sample too, right?” He turned to find the Doctor had made it out of his bowtie, had skipped the shirt, and gone right for the trousers. “No, no! Pants stay on!” 

“How’ll _that_ work?” the Doctor asked, blinking owlishly. 

“Could you just trust me for two minutes here? I’m trying very hard not to take advantage!” Jack fished out something that looked like an empty hypospray and held it up. “Any chance this thing takes blood?” 

The Doctor eyed it dubiously. “That’s really not my thing… But if you insist…” He rolled up his sleeves. 

“Open to new kinks,” Jack joked. “That’s nice.” He quickly depressed the thing into his arm and it started filling with dark liquid. 

“Well,” the Doctor said, “Trust is key, right?” He looked up at Jack like he’d genuinely be willing to hear him out on anything he suggested doing right then.

“I’m going to need you to keep thoughts like that to yourself until there are more witnesses around,” Jack said, disengaging, and pressing some gauze in. His fingers slipped, coming into contact with cool skin and he felt a flash of unguarded fondness flood his senses with something far deeper welling beneath it. And for just a moment he was cherished in the way that the stars are loved by those who will never be close enough for them to know. 

“You’ve got to get that telepathy under control,” he said weakly. 

“Sorry.” The foreign sensation backed off as suddenly as if it had never been there at all. 

Jack’s head felt lonely for the loss. 

“It’s okay,” he said and forced himself to step away. “We’re okay.” Another monitor next to the first seemed to have an analogous input port so he plugged the blood sample in before checking the oral results. 

The machine dinged, pulling up results in a looping script that meant exactly nothing to Jack. “Could you help me out here?” he asked the TARDIS. The display scrambled briefly and returned in galactic standard. “Much better!” He gave it a quick scan and then started hunting for menu options. “Now how to synthesize a counteragent…” 

A third screen on his left popped up, showing a countdown of a few minutes. “You gorgeous ship!” Jack said, and purposefully thought as hard as he could about how much he loved the TARDIS. The mechanisms whirred underfoot, warming. 

“How’re you feeling?” he asked over his shoulder. 

There was no answer for long enough that he turned to look.

The Time Lord was sitting preternaturally still, head hanging like a statue of a forsaken god. 

Jack had stopped believing in gods long ago, but the last one he believed in wore a leather jacket.

“Doc? You all right?” 

“I’m so sorry,” the Doctor said, sounding horribly lucid once again. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Those bats slipped you a mickey, remember?” Jack approached cautiously, like he might try to flee at any sudden movements. “But you’re back on the TARDIS now. And she’ll have an antidote for you in two minutes.” The second machine beeped and the counter on the third jumped up by five. “Make that seven minutes.” 

The Doctor didn’t respond, still hunched over himself like his head had grown too heavy for his neck. 

“Doctor?” Jack called, bending down to try to get a look at his face. “Are you hurt?” 

The Doctor exhaled a darkly amused puff of air and gestured vaguely to his own head. “It always hurts,” he said, sounding oddly removed. 

“Your head?” Jack asked, clasping it between his hands to try and tilt him up where he could see properly. The moment his skin touched the Time Lord’s he was swamped with a loneliness deeper than anything any human mind could possibly comprehend. 

The Doctor lurched out of contact, leaving his ears ringing. 

“Sorry,” Jack said. He moved his hands to the Doctor’s shoulders, gripping through safer layers of fabric. 

“You really should run from me,” the Doctor said quietly. 

“Nah,” Jack said, pulling him closer instead. “Just have to keep a little fabric between us until you’re feeling better is all.” He hesitated and then added, “Once you’ve got your control back I’d be happy to make a proper connection again. If you’d like.” 

The Doctor’s head dropped forward the last couple of inches, resting against Jack’s lapel. “I shouldn’t be losing control _now_ ,” he said.

Jack carefully patted his back. “Please don’t turn sad drunk on me,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ll let you cop a feel if you don’t tell the other Doctor.” 

The Doctor snorted faintly and then shifted, head turning to the side. “Where _is_ the other one? And Donna? And Rose?” 

“Huh,” Jack said, craning around like they might have appeared in the doorway while he was distracted. 

No dice.

“They really should have caught up by now…” he said, pulling out his phone. A message from Rose popped up and he carefully shifted the screen away from the Doctor to read it, maintaining a neutral expression. “I’m sure they’ll be along shortly,” he said. 

“Who?” the Doctor asked, losing the thread once more. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Jack muttered, glancing over at the countdown. “Just, uh, think happy thoughts for a few more minutes.” 

“Strange choice of words,” the Doctor mused, sliding his hands up from his thighs to his hips to his waist. 

“You know what? We’re going to just leave you to that and not mention this to the others,” Jack said. “Horny Doctor is better than Existential Doctor.” 

“ _I’m_ not horny,” the Doctor said, pulling back to give Jack the full force of his indignant glare. “ _I’m_ the Time Lord!” 

“I know,” Jack cooed patronizingly. “Time Lords are above all that.” 

The Doctor slanted a glance sideways. “Well,” he huffed, “Perhaps not ‘all.’” He resumed pawing around, trying to coax Jack closer. 

Jack let that go, not particularly minding the attention. The synthesizer dinged before any clothes were removed. He popped over to get it and came right back, depressing it into the Doctor’s neck without even pretending to check the TARDIS’ work. 

“Jack!” the Doctor yelped. “Gentle!” 

“Wonder how long it’ll take,” Jack mused, bending down to peer at blown out brown eyes.

“Are you supposed to give a number up front?” the Doctor asked, hands sneaking back onto Jack’s hips. “What an odd custom.” 

Jack glanced down. “Maybe I should be standing further away.”

“That would rather defeat the purpose,” the Doctor said, hooking his fingers into Jack’s belt loops and coaxing him closer. 

“No, I’m pretty sure that’s not where I want to be when you come to your senses.” Jack tried to get a little space, but only succeeded in having two legs wind around his. “Doc, I promise if you want to continue this after you sober up you can just say the word and we’ll jump right back in at this exact point, but I don’t want to get tossed out of the TARDIS because you think I took advantage.”

The Doctor started trying to take his own shirt off. 

* * *

As much as they hoped the bats would be completely understanding about the whole abducting-the-wrong-Doctor thing, Donna and Rose decided it was probably best not to count on that. So they changed course, heading deeper into the tunnels. Donna’s sonic detected what she hoped were heat signatures and not just unexpected feedback from the caves and they followed the random pings as best they could. 

“Any chance you have a phone or something to text Jack?” Donna asked, more for conversation than with any real hope.

“Already texted,” Rose said, offering a steadying hand over some particularly slippery surfaces. 

“Really?” 

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Rose muttered.

“Er. Sorry. That’s not what I meant. Still used to the Doctor, I guess.”

“Mmhmm,” Rose said, not sounding particularly convinced. 

“No, really,” Donna found herself pressing. “Sometimes I think he never developed ‘object permanence.’ It’s like if things aren’t right in front of him he just forgets they exist.” 

“Don’t have to tell _me_ that,” Rose said, with an odd undertone. 

“Listen, I’m sorry. I know I’m going slower than you could― do you want to take the sonic and go ahead?” Donna offered, trying to work out the source of friction. 

Rose seemed genuinely surprised by the offer. “You’d let me take your sonic?” she asked. 

“Sure,” Donna said, holding it out. “It’s on the right setting. Here.” She indicated the relevant bits. “Just point and shoot. Worst case scenario you can wait and I’ll eventually catch up, right?” 

Rose blinked at the outstretched device. “You’d really trust me with it?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Donna asked, confused. 

“You won’t even tell me why we’re here,” Rose pointed out. 

Donna winced. “It’s not that I don’t _trust_ you― It’s― Listen, it’s a little complicated. You’ll understand once the Time Lord stops malfunctioning and gets around to explaining.” 

“So there _is_ an explanation!” Rose jumped on that immediately, picking up her pace subconsciously. “But _you_ won’t tell me!” 

Donna grimaced, scrambling after her. “Listen, it’s _not_ a trust thing. It’s― it’s _complicated_ is all!” 

“So use small words!” Rose snapped. “I might not be as clever as you or Jack or Martha, but I’m not just the mascot!” 

Donna blinked. “That’s not what I meant. Where’d you even get that idea?” 

“The Doctor just said it, didn’t he!” 

“What??” Donna threw up her hands. “He’s off his gourd! Did you miss the part where he also tried to snog us all to death?”

“Not _all_ of us,” Rose mumbled.

And Donna realized the tone she hadn’t quite been able to identify was ‘hurt.’ She almost stumbled her way right over the edge of the crevasse. “Rose, we were keeping him away from you for a reason!”

“Is that reason that I’m too stupid to understand what’s happening? Afraid I might take a drugged up fumble as some declaration of love? Because I’m really not that young! I keep telling you all!” 

“Of course not!” Donna argued, slightly horrified. “No one thinks you’re stupid, Rose!” 

“Then why won’t you tell me what’s going on?!” 

Donna considered, just for a moment, whether she could survive a fall over the edge. “It’s nothing to do with you understanding anything,” she said, pushing a hand through her hair and giving in to the urge to pull at the ends. “It’s― it’s the sort of thing you want to ask _properly_.” 

Rose turned around to squint at her. “What does _that_ mean?” 

Donna looked around wildly, but there was no magical button that would get her out of the conversation gracefully. She turned back to Rose, considering. “Don’t suppose flashing you would get me out of this…?” 

“What?!” Rose hit a new register, knocking a nearby crystal stalactite loose with a crash. A wall of bats appeared on the other side of the resulting crack. 

“Oh, thank God,” Donna groaned, and launched herself through the opening. 


	4. A Quick Fix

Jack knew the counteragent had worked by the way the Doctor’s face drained of both color and expression all at once. 

“Back with us?” he asked, holding very still like the Time Lord might just not notice that he had his legs crossed behind Jack’s thighs. 

“Yes,” the Doctor said simply. 

Jack dared to lean down, ostensibly checking his pupils. “How’s your head? Do you remember how we got here?” 

“I remember everything,” the Doctor said. “Unfortunately.” 

Jack laughed, genuinely relieved. “Don’t worry about any of that― I’m just glad you’re okay! I’m going to hug you now,” he announced, and pulled the Time Lord in. 

The Doctor didn’t fight him off, which he took as a good sign, squeezing the finely-boned frame as tightly as he dared. 

“I’m so sorry,” the Time Lord said.

“Don’t even worry about it,” Jack said, trying for brightly casual and probably overshooting a bit. “I’m just glad you’re okay! It seemed like you were just getting worse by the minute there.” He pulled back. “Do you want me to run some more tests? Now that you can actually tell me how this stuff works?” 

The Doctor flicked a miserable look up and then away. After a moment, he glanced back, focusing more. “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

Jack didn’t have to ask for clarification. He knew he was grinning like an idiot. “I’m glad you’re better!” he said. “And you haven’t punched me yet― Things are looking up!” He hugged the Time Lord again and then tried to step back, only to nearly trip over the legs still holding him. “Oops! Could you―?” He dug his phone out of his pocket while the Doctor sorted himself out. 

“Where are the others?” the Doctor asked, right on cue. 

Jack squinted at his phone. “Looks like the bats caught the other Doctor. Rose and Donna are heading after them.”

“What?!” 

Jack held up the phone obligingly. “Think we could get the TARDIS to home in on them?” 

“I think we’re going to try!” the Doctor said, already running for the control room. 

* * *

Donna decided, as usual, that the best way forward was to just pretend like everything was fine and deal with it later. So she strolled out into the open space and walked right up to the bat colony before Rose could stop her. 

“Hello,” she called in her best cheery imitation of the Doctor. “I think you grabbed the wrong one there. Any chance I could take him off your hands?” 

Several bats took flight, whipping around violently, but Donna headed for the three that stayed on the ground, circled around the Doctor in blue, who was blinking at her in disbelief. 

“Donna, get out of here―!“ 

The bat on the left let out an ear-splitting shriek, cutting him off. “What is this trickery?” it rasped. 

“Not a trick, just a case of mistaken identity,” Donna said, coming closer. “They look similar, but that one’s human. Just the one heart, you know.”

The bats turned toward the metacrisis Doctor, listening and then shrieked like the world was ending. He slammed his hands over his ears and Donna did the same, but the ringing lingered, disorienting enough that she nearly missed the next statement. 

“―give us the Time Lord.” 

“About that…” Donna said, moving to the other side. Rose darted behind the more translucent outer wall, circling around the perimeter. “What do you want with the Doctor anyway? He thought you were happy to see him after the last time.” 

“The Doctor stole from us!” one of the bats screeched. 

“What?” The metacrisis Doctor rolled his head around to look up. “Stole _what?_ ”

“Our song!” the bats all cried out in perfect unison. 

“Your what??” He squinted up at them, even more baffled.

“How do you steal a song?” Donna asked. 

“Time Lord trickery,” one of the bats answered.

Donna shot a look at the metacrisis Doctor who returned it with a bewildered shrug.

“Listen,” she said in her most reasonable tone, “I travel with the Doctor. He’s a scatterbrained mess. If he took something, he probably just didn’t realize he had it on him. Now why don’t you tell me what this song of yours looked like and where you last had it?”

The bats blinked eyes the size of her fists. “What?” 

“This thing we’re looking for. If it’s anywhere it’ll be on the ship, but we need to know how to find it,” she said reasonably. 

“It is our _song_ ,” the bat on the right said, sounding a bit annoyed for a bat. “It cannot be _seen_.” 

“Well, how do you know it’s even missing?” Donna asked. 

“It is _our song_ ,” the bat in the middle said emphatically.

“Does song mean the same thing here?” Donna asked and hummed a few bars of ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’ as an example. “Like that?” 

The bats all lost their minds, taking flight in a violent flurry of wings and shrieks. 

“My singing is not _that_ bad!” Donna argued, but took the opportunity to duck in next to the metacrisis Doctor. “Are you all right?” 

“Never better,” he said, lifting his hands away from his ears, but keeping them up by his head. “I didn’t take _anything_ , for the record!”

“Oh, like you’d even notice if you had,” Donna scoffed. “Let’s just have a look around the TARDIS before we go to be safe.” 

“To be _safe_?!”

“Polite?” she suggested. “They seem awfully high strung. Must be worth a look under the cushions.” 

The bats whirled above like a living tornado, squeaking madly. 

“Somehow I doubt they’re going to let us pop back in for a look under anything,” he said skeptically. 

“Well, we won’t know until we ask,” Donna pointed out, getting to her feet. She resisted the urge to flinch back down as the bats whipped overhead, close enough for her to feel the wings beating. Instead she put her fingers in her mouth and whistled as loud as she could. “Oi! One of you get down here!” 

All of the bats dropped out of the air like stones, catching themselves at the last moment and landing without a sound. “The song!” they crowed. 

“What? This?” Donna whistled again.

The bats bobbed like umbrellas in a helicopter landing zone. “The song!” they cried.

Donna turned to the metacrisis Doctor. “Any chance you were whistling when you left the last time?” 

He stared around the cavern with wide eyes. “Well, I’d done a good job, hadn’t I? I was in a good mood!” 

Donna rolled her eyes around to the nearest bat. “Right. So. We haven’t taken anything― they’re just sounds we can make with our mouths.” 

The metacrisis Doctor helpfully whistled the beginning of ‘Fur Elise’ and Donna joined in humming. 

The bats’ already large eyes bulged further. 

“We could show you how to do it,” the Doctor in blue offered. “Might not sound quite the same, but we could get near enough.” 

The bats blinked down at them. The nearest one nodded, once, like it wasn’t quite sure how the movement should work. 

“Any chance you could take us back to our blue box for the lesson?” Donna asked. “Our friends might wonder where we’ve gone.” 

The next nearest bats looked at each other and nodded as well.

“Brilliant!” the metacrisis Doctor beamed. “I have all sorts of instruments. We can see if any of those strike your fancy.” 

The bats didn’t seem to know what to make of that, but two of them shuffled closer, moving their wings out and exposing their feet. 

“Rose,” Donna called. “I don’t think we’ll need backup after all. Want to come hitch a ride instead?” 

There was only a moment of hesitation and then Rose stepped into view, with an expression like she wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or indignant. “That’s it? We’re just going to teach them how to whistle and everything’s forgiven?” 

Donna and the metacrisis Doctor glanced at each other and then back to her. “Pretty much.” 

The Doctor in blue approached one of the larger, nearer bats. “Now how do we feel about dancing? Neutral? Frowned upon?” 

Rose approached warily, but seemed more skeptical of her fellow humans than the bats. “How exactly do we…?” 

The bat behind her braced its wings wide and took flight, swinging its legs forward to catch Rose under the arms. 

Her startled shout turned delighted as it made a neat loop and headed up. 

Two other bats performed similar maneuvers, scooping up Donna and the metacrisis Doctor and beginning a dizzying flight. 

* * *

The Doctor was well on his way to a one-sided shouting match with his ship when the doors swung open and his twin strolled in. 

“Won’t be a minute!” the duplicate Doctor called behind himself, cheerily. And then, to the Doctor. “Oh, hello! Feeling better?” 

“What? What??” The Doctor leapt around the central column. “Are you― How did you get back here? Where are Rose and Donna?” 

“Outside with the bats,” the metacrisis Doctor said, like that was in any way obvious. “We’re going to give them a music lesson!” 

Jack appeared out from under a loose panel. “You’re back!” He bounded up and planted an enthusiastic kiss on the human Doctor’s smiling face. “It’s been a real rollercoaster around here, let me tell you. What happened?”

“Bit of a long story, but apparently the bats don’t know how whistling works. So we’re teaching them!” He craned around to look at his twin, casually ignoring Jack’s wandering hands. “Do you remember where we left that big instrument that looks a bit like a harpsichord? I think it would work with bat claws.” He curled his hands up in front of himself to illustrate. 

The Doctor stared at him, clearly decided not to bother, yanked on his jacket, and headed for the doors. 

* * *

One interspecies music lesson and a brief exchange of instruments later, the Time Lord and humans all piled back into the TARDIS. 

“Well,” the metacrisis Doctor said cheerily, “I think that went even worse than I predicted.”

“Don’t start!” the Doctor ordered.

“You were nicer when you were drugged,” his twin pointed out.

The Doctor snatched Donna’s hand into his and scurried off down the hall. 


	5. A More Traditional Approach

As an apology for the last trip, and as a handy next step, the Doctor proposed a trip to 19th Century England where ‘courting’ was much more formal and therefore, by his logic, more obvious. Donna agreed on the terms that she wouldn’t wear a corset. And, as usual, if the other three had any questions they kept them to themselves. 

So they all stepped out into a bustling street in the middle of Victorian England. 

Donna took one look at the dapper gentlemen milling around in what happened to be her favorite genre of historical costume and immediately spun on the metacrisis Doctor. “You have to let me dress you!” 

“What?” he asked, looking down at his usual blue suit. “What’s wrong with this suit??” 

“Nothing’s wrong with it!” she said, already craning around looking for signs of a tailor shop. “Do you see all these waistcoats? And the boots!” She spun around and grabbed his face between her hands. “This is the era with _sleeve garters!_ ” she said, with a tone like that was of grave importance.

The metacrisis Doctor squinted at her and then got the same look she got when she was accessing borrowed memories. “Oh,” he said, suddenly just as focused. “ _Sleeve garters_ you say?” 

“Sounds like someone’s into cosplay,” Jack commented casually.

Both Donna and the metacrisis Doctor turned to look at him in predatory unison. 

Jack just smiled like temptation personified. “I used to have quite the selection of waistcoats.”

Donna grabbed both their hands and turned to Rose. “Switch for the day?” she asked, already eying a cross street that looked promising. “You can catch up with the Time Lord! Ask him anything you want! Do whatever you want!” 

The Doctor gave her an indignant look, but Rose laughed. “Anything, you say?” 

“Anything!” Donna answered shamelessly. 

Rose gave her a look up and down but offered her hand to the Doctor. “Guess you and I are on our own,” she said, smiling. 

“Right,” the Doctor said, taking her hand while eying the other three. “We’ll just… be off then. Shall we?” 

“See you later!” Donna called, already tugging the other two toward an area where people seemed to have clothing-shaped packages. 

* * *

The Doctor watched Donna bundle his twin and the captain off toward the textiles and then turned to Rose, refocusing. 

“So then!” he exclaimed. “Where to, do you think? The proper expo?” 

“Sure thing.” Rose grinned and let him pull her in the other direction. 

An hour later, the Doctor was in the middle of pointing out the many (many) flaws with the latest experiment when he caught Rose stifling a yawn.

“Are you tired?” he asked.

She blinked and he realized he’d been in the middle of his own sentence. 

“Um,” Rose said. “No. Course not. You were saying?” 

The Doctor frowned at her. “What’s wrong? You used to love magnets!” 

Rose was fairly certain she’d never thought about a magnet for more than three seconds, but she tried to refocus. “Magnets!” she said brightly. “Of course!” 

The Doctor just frowned harder. “Do you… _not_ like magnets?” he asked, like he couldn’t imagine the answer being ‘yes.’ 

Rose tried to think of something exciting to say about magnets and came up short. “Sure I do,” she said. “Magnets. Can’t get enough of ‘em. All… round and… metal-y…” She pointed to one. “How about that one?” 

The Doctor followed her gesture and only seemed to get more confused. “That’s a charge station.” 

Rose squinted at him. “So… _not_ a magnet…?” She pointed to a disk beside it. “How about that one then?” 

The Doctor stared, baffled. “That’s the grounding coaster.” 

Rose resisted the urge to sigh. “Why don’t you just tell me which ones the magnets are?”

He pointed immediately to what looked to be a pile of sticks, but he kept his eyes on her, squinting. “Do you… Is this not interesting to you? Would you like to do something else?” 

Rose was pretty sure the Time Lord had never asked her something like that before. “No, we can look at magnets. I know how you like your magnets. Go on, tell me which one’s the best.” 

But that only seemed to make him more suspicious. “Have you _never_ liked magnets?? Why haven’t you said?? I talk about magnets all the time!”

Rose shrugged. “You talk about all kinds of stuff I don’t understand. It makes you happy, yeah? So go on.” She put on her best ‘listening face,’ trying not to wonder what the other three were up to. 

“But―“ The Time Lord blinked, utterly befuddled. “What would you _like_ to do?”

Rose tried to wave him off. “I’m happy if you’re happy.” 

Only that just seemed to confuse him further. “But…” His Time Lord brain seemed to be completely shorting out. “But…” He frowned, casting around. “If I weren’t here… What would you want to be doing?” 

Rose shrugged. “Guess I’d be shopping. With the others, y’know.” 

“But… What if _they_ weren’t here either? What would _you_ want to do?” he pressed. 

Rose laughed a little nervously. “Are you plannin’ on abandonin’ me?” 

“Of course not!” he said quickly. “But… Why won’t you tell me what you actually want to do? Is it… something you don’t want to do with me?” 

Rose always was a sucker for his puppy dog eyes, and it was only worse when he was actually begging. “It’s not some big secret,” she said. “It’s just not really your thing.” 

The Doctor scoffed. “How could you know _that??_ You won’t even tell me!” No one did ‘heartbroken puppy’ like the Doctor. 

“Guess I’d probably just go ice skatin’ or somethin’,” Rose admitted. 

The Doctor perked up immediately. “I know how to ice skate! Where do we ice skate? Is it some sort of race up and down the river?”

Rose laughed and pointed out the makeshift rink where Victorian couples were skating in demure little loops. “Pretty sure it’s not a race.” 

The Doctor followed her gaze and went right back to looking lost. “You want to skate around in a little circle?” 

“I told you you wouldn’t―“

“I didn’t say ‘no!’” He interrupted, taking her hand and tugging her toward the rink like she was the one who needed convincing. “I was just clarifying! Skating in a circle. Got it.” 

“We really don’t have to,” she said, laughing. 

The Doctor rounded on her, oddly earnest. “But it’s what you _want_ to do? Right?” 

Rose kissed him, only remembering at the last second to aim for a cool cheek. “If you’re up for it,” she said. 

The Doctor made his pleased little sound, like a verbal smile, and pulled her over to the skate-rental booth. 


	6. A Bit of a Scene

Ice skating lasted for all of ten minutes before the Doctor tried a spin that toppled one of the barriers and revealed a stash for local pickpockets. The next couple of hours were spent on a madcap chase that probably would have gone better if they’d changed out of the skates in the first half hour, but it all worked out in the end and Rose even got some new boots out of the deal. 

It took awhile to find the other three, who had apparently moved much deeper into the textile district. 

They’d gathered a small crowd by the time Rose spotted them, making it complicated to get through. They’d all three changed into the latest 19th century fashions and were practically putting on an impromptu burlesque show in reverse. 

Donna seemed to have talked her way into the menswear section and looked like a steampunk pinup, but she didn’t seem to notice anyone but the two men she was carefully coating in bright accents of color. She straightened a burgundy waistcoat around the metacrisis Doctor, tucking a gold chain artfully between buttons. Plum sleeve garters complemented the plum cravat tied carefully at his throat. He helpfully angled his chin up when she reached to straighten it, and didn’t seem to mind at all when she tucked two fingers under the fabric, adjusting the folds. 

“That is perfect,” Donna crooned, practically petting him. 

Four tailors, or possibly the tailor’s assistants, hovered around the trio like nervous hummingbirds, looking for a window to sneak in. They ducked out of the way every time Donna moved like a great ginger cat they suspected of not being as tame as she looked. 

Jack laughed, drawing her attention.

“And you!” Donna beckoned him closer and immediately moved her fussing to his peacock vest and emerald accents. “ Look at you, you’re like the cover of a bodice ripper!” Donna patted Jack’s chest like she couldn’t quite help it. “Do you mind if I…?”

Jack smiled winsomely. “Be my guest.” 

Donna swept a quick line down to his waist and then up again, turning to the metacrisis Doctor with her hands still on Jack. “We’re not going to accidentally inspire Superman a century too early are we?” 

“Aw, don’t say that,” the metacrisis Doctor groaned, grinning. “If you think the TARDIS is crowded now, just wait until we have to stuff his ego back in with us.” 

Jack preened, unconcerned. “Don’t be jealous. You can unwrap me later.” 

The metacrisis Doctor gave him a Look, canting his head toward Donna, but she didn’t seem to mind at all, too busy deciding what to touch or look at. The assistant tailors twittered amongst themselves. 

“You’re sure you don’t mind me playing dress-up?” Donna asked with the tone of someone just asking for appearances. She brushed her hands over Jack’s shoulders, like she was measuring the distance. 

“Can’t say I mind too much,” Jack said, smiling at her. 

Donna squealed, just a little, and threw her arms around him like she couldn’t help herself. “Oh, you are perfect!” She pressed a smacking kiss to his cheek, followed by two more. 

Jack laughed and caught Rose’s eye over her shoulder just as they managed to work their way through the crowd. “Rose!” he called. “Come see what we’ve bought!” 

Donna spun around with a bright smile. “You’re back!” She pulled the men forward. “Look what we’ve been up to!” She realized there were significantly more people looking than she’d intended, but she just as quickly forgot about it, too excited to show off her styling. 

Rose came over to look, oohing and ahhing agreeably as Donna pointed out little details in the fabrics. 

Jack and the metacrisis Doctor didn’t seem to mind, allowing themselves to be shown off like prized ponies. 

The Time Lord looked much less impressed, watching Donna slide her arms around his duplicate from behind. 

“Look at these lines!” Donna gushed, tracing the seams down his sides. “Look at this waist!” One of the assistant tailors stepped up with a coat. “Oh, and the coat! Thank you!” The assistant flitted away, blushing, and Donna tucked it around from behind, hugging the human Doctor. “So slim and dapper!” 

“…Thank you?” the human Doctor replied, chuffed. 

Donna kissed the side of his head half a dozen times, clearly hopped up on cute aggression. 

The human Doctor laughed like he’d found an unexpected puppy and the Time Lord glared. 

“Donna, what on Earth…?” 

“Oh, he doesn’t mind!” She kissed him again, cuddling shamelessly. 

“You’re making a scene!” the Time Lord argued, gesturing to the regathering crowd. 

“If you think this is a scene, you should’ve been here when she was picking out linings,” Jack said, shrugging his own coat on and thanking the third assistant who seemed to be working on an entirely new cheek color. 

Donna paused her enthusiastic cuddling to look up at him. “Too much?” she asked. 

Jack just smiled. “Never!” He held the edges of his coat out on shameless offer. “Could you…?” 

Donna dove in, tucking and smoothing and shamelessly petting. “It’s not too tight, is it?” She felt along the hard lines of his abdominal muscles. “Don’t want you losing circulation.” 

“ _Donna!_ “ the Time Lord complained as Donna snuck in for a hug that Jack was all too willing to return. “We’re in _public! In the 19th century!_ ” 

“It’s just a hug!” Donna said, but it was muffled by Jack’s chest. She angled her head up to hook her chin over his shoulder. “Jack, you don’t mind do you?” 

“Not at all,” Jack said and pulled her up off her feet. 

“Maybe I should let Donna dress me,” Rose laughed and then laughed harder when Donna wrenched around to look at her without letting go of Jack. 

“The shop where we got the Doctor’s waistcoat had lots of custom cuts!” Donna said. “We could see if they’d―“ 

“You can’t seriously want to do _more_ shopping!” the Time Lord cut in. “It’s been _hours!_ ”

Donna scoffed, but his twin stepped in. “If you keep complaining you won’t get your gift,” the human Doctor said. He turned and found one of the assistants at his elbow with a brown paper package. “Ah. Thank you.” The assistant twittered and scurried back. 

“What’s that?” the Time Lord asked skeptically.

“Guess you’ll have to be nice enough to find out,” the human Doctor said, swinging it enticingly in front of him. 

“Am I the only one who won’t have a costume after this?” Rose asked. 

Donna was still wrapped around Jack, but she craned back around to look at Rose. “Not if you want―“ 

“Is that Jack Harkness?” a voice intruded sharply from across the street. 

All five travelers turned to look, but the blonde figure in the second story window was already whirling away, rushing downstairs presumably. 

Jack blanched. “Time to go!” he said, taking the packages and handing the nearest assistant a handful of notes. 

“Sir, this is too much!” the assistant squeaked, but Jack was already grabbing the metacrisis Doctor and herding the others back toward the TARDIS. 

“Jack!” the same voice shrieked.

“Who is that?” Rose asked.

“Someone who is going to be _very_ annoyed when I take another 3 months to get back from Paris,” Jack said, bundling them along. 

Donna cast a skeptical look back over the arm he had nudging her along. “Couldn’t you just―?” 

“Explain it’s not really me; it’s just a version of me from the far distant future?” Jack asked. 

Donna sniffed and declined to respond, but was a bit easier to herd back.

* * *

They all tumbled back into the TARDIS, slightly out-of-breath, but otherwise unimpaired.

“Now then,” the Doctor started up immediately, “Where to next? Lunvi IX? Nine moons all reflecting off the tidal deltas?” 

“...That sounds nice,” Rose said.

“Or the Outer Rims of Phirnum? The vegetation is as soft as rabbits’ fur.”

“Uh. Cozy,” Jack offered. 

“Crebus Minor? The flowers grow to the size of trucks and the locals use them as organic furniture.” 

“Are you glitching? Can you hear us?” his duplicate asked curiously. 

“Would _you_ prefer to pick?” the Doctor demanded huffily. 

“Doctor,” Donna warned, “You’re acting like a lunatic.” 

“You say that all the time,” he pointed out. 

“She’s not wrong,” the metacrisis Doctor said.

“I’m trying to propose a nice trip! Where we can chat! And hopefully not run into any of the Captain’s conquests!”

“Might want to avoid Crebus…” Jack muttered.

“Listen,” Donna said. “How about we all take a quick break first? Brainstorm on our own?”

The metacrisis Doctor passed her a package with a quirked brow. “Is that what we’re calling it? Brainstorming?”

Donna snatched the clothing and turned with a haughty sniff. “C’mon, Spaceman, let me show you the outfit we picked out for you.” 

The Doctor frowned. “I’m fully dressed already.” 

“I’ll let you talk to me about what kind of magnets were at the expo,” Donna added, singsong. 

He hurried after her. 

* * *

“So how did your conversation go?” the Doctor asked as soon as his door closed. 

Donna blinked at him. “What―? Ohhhh…” Her expression turned embarrassed. “I… might’ve forgotten to ask…”

“Donna!” 

“Well, I was busy!”

“Busy with what? You had practically a whole day!” 

“Well, how did _your_ conversation go?” Donna crossed her arms, throwing it out like a dare. 

“Don’t change the subject!” 

“Ha!” she crowed. “I knew it! You chickened out, didn’t you?” 

“How is _that_ worse than just _forgetting to ask??_ ”

Donna held up a warning finger, but pressed it to her own lips. She took a deep breath and let it out before continuing. “Listen,” she said, “There’s no rush, right? It’s not a problem that we just spent the day with our friends.” 

The Doctor regarded her suspiciously. “Is this a trick?” 

Donna rolled her eyes. “No, it’s not a trick. Stop acting like I’m constantly trying to trick you! I communicate with you _so clearly_ it’s honestly― Mmph!“

The Doctor cut her off with an entirely unexpected kiss, catching the back of her head in a firm grip. 

Donna was still keyed up from spending the day with two gorgeous men who were all too willing to be dressed and petted and honestly, there was only so much willpower in her. 

So she yanked the Doctor closer and started working on his tie.

After nearly a minute that proved to be too complicated so she broke the kiss, leaning back to get a better look. 

The Doctor looked at her very seriously and said, “Do you know Rose doesn’t like magnets?” 

Donna squinted at him. “What?” She ran that back through her head, but no, she was pretty sure that she’d heard him correctly. “Do you seriously want to talk about magnets _right now_?”

The Doctor nodded earnestly. “I talk about magnets all the time! And Rose couldn’t even― I don’t think she’s _ever_ liked magnets! Why would she― I talk about magnets _all the time!_ ”

Donna blinked, pulling back further. “You honestly thought Rose cared about magnets?”

The Doctor made a baffled shrugging movement. “I know _you_ don’t care about magnets, but Rose never mentioned― Do you think there are other things she just hasn’t mentioned not liking?” He looked at her in dawning horror. “What about conversion matrices?” 

Donna couldn’t help it; she started laughing. “Are you serious?” 

“Well how am I supposed to know?!” 

“Because who _is_ interested in conversion matrices? What have I been telling you?!” 

“I thought that was just _you!_ ” He looked like he genuinely had no idea how to function in the new reality in which he found himself. “Do you think _Jack_ likes magnets?” 

Donna laughed in his adorable face. “I’m pretty sure Jack and Rose would both let you talk to them about how many grains of sand exist in each solar system. Don’t worry so much.” 

The Doctor seemed even more baffled. “Why are you bringing up my sand chart? You said you didn’t― Are you saying _that’s_ not interesting either?! Why wouldn’t they have said?!”

“Poor Spaceman,” Donna crooned. “Everybody just lets you be as boring as you want because you’re so cute. What a burden.” 

The Doctor scowled. “Maybe we should revisit your recommendation that we just ask. If everyone’s going to use some secret code language that no one but you ever mentions.” 

Donna started to roll her eyes, but caught the words on a delay, perking up. “Really? Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying!” She pulled him back down into an enthusiastic snog. Purely for the sake of positive reinforcement.

After another moment she pulled back to ask, “Could I talk you into trying the waistcoat?”


	7. A Proposal with Exactly No Margin for Misinterpretation

The Doctor felt that it made sense to start with Jack as the one with the 51st century orientation toward relationships. And Donna felt that it would be good to just start _somewhere_. So they cleverly offered a solo trip in the TARDIS to the metacrisis Doctor and Rose as incentive to leave them alone on a leisure planet for a day. 

It was insultingly easy to convince the pair to leave them. The metacrisis Doctor practically shooed them out the door. Jack went without question, even if he seemed to have some trouble letting go of Rose’s hand. He flicked unreadable glances at the duplicate Doctor, but was met with an increasingly manic grin each time. 

Rose gave Jack a long kiss goodbye, fingers tight on his sleeves, but remained in the TARDIS as they stepped out. 

The metacrisis Doctor walked them out. Or bounced them out, rather. He darted in for a quick parting kiss, but pulled back almost immediately, avoiding Jack’s automatic reach. The immortal let him go, putting his hands in his own pockets instead. 

“You have to come back for us, you know!” the Doctor reminded, for the seventh time. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah― I remember!” the metacrisis Doctor herded him a bit further away from the doors, like he might try to sneak back in. “Twenty-four hours. Right back here. Easy peasy.” 

“Don’t do anything too risky,” the Doctor continued, “We’d have a hell of a time locating the old girl if you did something stupid and got yourself killed.”

“I’d miss you too,” the metacrisis Doctor said, completely unconcerned. “Now off you pop! See you in 24 hours!” 

The doors practically slammed in their faces and the dematerialization sequence started in what had to be record time. 

“Does anyone else feel like we’re the ones getting ditched?” Donna asked drily. 

“Well,” the Doctor sniffed, “That was the plan wasn’t it? Now then―“ He turned to Jack, still eying the space where the TARDIS had disappeared. “Captain?” 

Jack blinked, refocusing. “Yeah?” 

Without any further ado, the Doctor clasped one long-fingered hand at the back of his neck and pulled Jack in for a kiss. 

The immortal went ramrod straight and then made a noise like a blade had been pulled out of his ribs after grinding away in there for centuries. One hand slid around to the back of the Doctor’s head, sliding through chaotic hair, and he kissed him back like it should have been backlit by fireworks. 

The Doctor was the one to pull away, and Jack looked inexplicably gutted. “Is that my goodbye then? Nicer than I was expecting.” 

The Doctor’s brows slammed down and together. “Are you leaving??” 

Jack frowned back at him. “Isn’t that why you brought me here?” 

“What??” The Doctor pulled his head back as far as he could without it disconnecting from his body. “No! Why would you―?” He turned to Donna. “I thought you said you talked to him.” 

Donna’s eyes seemed much larger than usual and she flapped a bit as she said, “I asked if he’d come on a trip with us! To _talk!_ I didn’t proposition him!” 

“Wait. Does that mean…?” The Doctor glanced back at Jack nervously. “Ah.” 

“Proposition??” Jack asked.

“Um,” the Doctor answered. “I just― Blimey, I thought Donna had already…”

“Do I _actually_ have to do everything around here?” Donna interrupted. 

The Doctor winced, but gave her a hopeful look.

“You’ll have to work this out eventually!” Donna argued, but stepped forward. “Listen. Jack…” She hesitated, clearly no more prepared than the Doctor for all her bravado. “The Doctor and I were… wondering… if you might be interested in… joining us. Like you do with Rose and the other Doctor.” 

Jack’s demeanor immediately shifted to ‘very attentive.’ “This is an invitation _for a threesome??_ ” 

“Crass.” The Doctor’s nose wrinkled. “But yes. Essentially. If you were interested.” 

“I’m _very_ interested!” Jack said without even a moment’s hesitation. His hovering hands reconnected, catching at the Doctor’s sides. “You’re not kicking me out? You just want a third?” 

The Doctor frowned. “Of course I’m not kicking you out! But don’t say it like _that!_ ” 

“We’re not trying to pick you up like a stranger at a bar,” Donna insisted. “We’re asking you _specifically_ ―” 

“I’m in!” Jack interrupted cheerily. “Is _this_ why you’ve been so jumpy? I thought you were― Never mind― I’m in!” He ducked back in to snog the Doctor like he couldn’t stop himself.

Not that the Doctor minded, meeting him with equal enthusiasm after only a moment’s hesitation. 

“…Well, that was a short talk,” Donna said to herself, apparently. The Doctor seemed to be preoccupied attempting to lick the back of Jack’s teeth. 

After another heated minute or so, Jack pulled away, breathing heavily, and immediately looked around for Donna, hovering just out of reach. He held out a hand. “Both of you, right?”

Donna blinked, hesitated, and then stepped closer. 

Jack angled in and pressed his handsome smile to hers with all the finesse of centuries of practice. 

He kissed like a man with no hope of salvation. The thought pricked behind her eyes, but the darkness only added depth, like bittersweet chocolate. 

Jack was the one who had to pull back, breathing heavily. “Maybe we should see about a room.” 

“Room. Yes,” the Doctor said, snatching up his hand and fairly dragging them both off. 

* * *

After a slightly awkward check-in with an android that seemed far too aware of their rumpled appearances, they managed to fumble their way into a room with one large bed. And probably other furniture, but no one took any notice of that. 

Jack barely made it through the door before Donna spun around, snatching him back into a heated kiss and crowding him into the Doctor who served as a solid counterweight at his back, arms snaking around to start working his buttons loose. 

Jack’s head was already spinning, but that didn’t stop him from snogging Donna for all he was worth, working his grip steadily downwards. 

She tore away just long enough to yank her top off and he managed to gasp, “Ground rules?” 

Her mouth was already back on his, but she pulled back after a moment, registering the question. “What, do you want a safeword? How about ‘stop?’”

Jack laughed, still riding the dual high of not being kicked out, and being in his exact element instead. “I _knew_ I liked you!” he said, and kissed her with all the skill he had in his repertoire. 

Donna melted into it and the hands she had braced on his chest were quickly tangled with the Doctor’s, wrapped around from behind. A cool mouth worked over his neck, clever tongue sneaking out for little kitten licks.

Jack moaned, working one arm back to feel for a narrow hip, pressing in over hidden nerve clusters and getting the most magnificent shiver as the Doctor rocked forward like he couldn’t quite help it. 

Jack broke off with a desperate groan, yanking the Doctor around in front of him and pulling his shirt off in one motion. 

“Jack!” the Doctor chided, “Gentle!“ He cut off with a moan as Jack kissed him. 

Donna pressed in against the Doctor’s back, clever hands working their way lower as she seemingly tried to mould herself to every inch of available skin. 

The Doctor rocked forward and met knuckles as Jack worked his own flies open. A jumble of hands shoved his trousers down and his shirt was discarded somewhere along the way and then there was just a delicious slide of skin on skin on skin. 

“Can’t believe you just wanted to sleep with me.” Jack groaned like he was in agony and Donna smiled against the Doctor’s scapula, stroking one hand between them. “You should have asked sooner!” 

“Tried to,” the Doctor groaned, working a hand behind himself to catch at soft flesh. “Direct approach is going better though.” 

Donna reached around, tugging Jack into contact with a much cooler, but still very familiar length. He rolled into it helplessly, thrusting, and then forced himself back. 

“Hang on, I need a second.” 

There was a single beat and then both sets of hands backed off. 

“All right?” the Doctor asked, with an impossibly even voice. Donna panted behind him, struggling to catch her breath.

“Better than,” Jack assured them. “Just don’t want to end the party early, y’know?”

Donna looked smug, but the Doctor just looked baffled. “What? Are you leaving?” 

Jack frowned at him, equally lost. “What? Why would I leave?”

The Doctor opened his mouth, but Donna ducked forward, whispering into his ear. He went a little unfocused at the sensation and then visibly refocused at whatever she said, craning his head around to look at her. “What? Seriously?” 

Jack cleared his throat and refused to get embarrassed. “No need for the tone― I just need a moment.” 

The Doctor gave him an oddly blank look up and down. “Any other quirks I should know about?” 

“It’s not a _quirk_ ―“ Jack started, starting to get slightly offended in spite of himself, but Donna was already whispering again. 

The Doctor nodded along absently, looking entirely too calm for someone standing there with a naked woman wrapped around him and a naked man standing in front of him. 

“OK, the novelty of that is wearing off very quickly,” Jack warned, fighting the urge to cover himself. 

The Doctor gave him a blank look, like he had no idea what he was talking about, but Donna pulled back and raised her voice to a normal register. “Sorry. Thought a primer might be in order.”

“Well, it sure helped with my cool down,” Jack said, drily, and then immediately regretted it when they both glanced down far too intently, ratcheting him right back up. “Why don’t we move this to the bed? I’m feeling a sudden urge to bring everyone else down to my level.” 


	8. Positive Results (NSFW)

The couple moved toward the bed willingly, but it took a little coaxing to pry them apart. 

“What’s this about?” Donna asked, allowing herself to be seated on the edge of the mattress, but looking oddly self conscious about it. 

Jack bent over, shifting her more toward the center. “Are you telling me you kiss like that and can’t recognize a little foreplay?” He cocked a brow at the Doctor over his shoulder. “For shame, Doc.” 

The Doctor seemed a bit distracted by his current viewing angle, not even bothering to respond. 

Jack pressed one hand gently to the inside of a soft thigh. “May I?” 

Donna gave him a flustered look, but let her legs fall open. He left his hand there for the moment, simply stroking, and bent forward to press a kiss over the curve of one frankly magnificent breast. “All right?” he asked, purposefully letting his lips brush her skin as he formed the question. 

She shivered deliciously and gasped out, “More than.” 

He carefully traced the curve with just the barest ticking touch of lips, sneaking the occasional kitten lick while the hand on her thigh moved in slow, purposeful strokes, up and back. 

Donna dropped her head back, moaning, and arched her back like a vision of debauchery. 

“That is gorgeous. You are gorgeous,” he murmured, riding the movement. He nipped lightly, drawing a startled yelp and then laved the sting with a warm, solid lick, earning a magnificent throaty sound. 

The bed shifted and he looked up to find the Doctor very close, leaning in curiously. “Do that again. That’s a new noise.” 

Jack quirked a brow at him and Donna grumbled, “Oi, I’m not a play-along piano,” but the Doctor didn’t seem to hear her, too busy watching Jack intently. 

Jack carefully angled his head to the opposite side, flashing his teeth and drawing his tongue over for emphasis. The Doctor followed the motion with clear focus, nodding slightly. 

Jack bent down lower and the Doctor moved with him, staring intently. 

It was a bit more of a turn on than it should be, being studied, but Jack was more than willing to go with it. He angled carefully and nipped, purposefully keeping his lips curled back out of the way. There was another yip, and then that throaty groan as he flattened his tongue over it. 

The Doctor bent over the opposite breast, mimicking, and earned a sharp cry and throaty sound. 

“Not quite,” he mumbled to himself, and drew back, looking at Jack expectantly. 

Jack wanted to laugh, but he was currently a bit busy choking on his own arousal, so he just repeated the motion. This time he earned himself a none-too-gentle hand shoved into his hair and another rolling motion. 

The Doctor stared at him for another beat and then offered his own thumb, holding it to Jack’s mouth. “Would you mind?”

Jack obediently took the pad of his thumb between his teeth, nipping with the requisite application of force.

With a thoughtful look, the Time Lord pulled his thumb up to his own mouth, placing his teeth in the same position and pressing experimentally. 

The immortal rocked forward and Donna hooked a leg around his, pulling him into luxurious contact. Soft thighs gripped Jack’s like a vice. 

The Doctor finished his assessment and bent back down, carefully nipping again. That earned a yelp and then a broken, desperate sound. 

The Doctor hummed, brow furrowing. “Not quite―“ 

“That was it!” Donna gasped. “That was definitely, definitely― Do that again!” He obliged, setting off another violent chain reaction, and then nudged Jack off the other side to try that one too. Donna bucked, gasping curses, and Jack wasn’t faring much better, starting to worry that he was going to lose it without anything like a proper touch. 

The Doctor sat up, looking entirely too academic, and absently bit his own thumb again, retesting the force. It reminded Jack of the way he’d absently sort through spare components in his free time, trying to work out which ones could fit together.

Both humans groaned at the sight and Donna lurched up onto her elbows. 

“Somebody had better fuck me _right now_!” 

The Doctor looked over at Jack, thumb caught between his teeth, and raised his brows in the most insultingly casual invitation Jack had ever been issued. 

Donna yanked him down by the back of the neck, throwing him onto his back and immediately clamoring on top. Without so much as a by-your-leave, she pulled him into alignment and sank down, taking him in in one slick slide. 

“God, Donna!” Jack cracked his head back, catching her hips before she could move again. 

Donna, ever enterprising, yanked the Doctor over for a messy kiss. He caught himself on his hands, bracing against the mattress just beside Jack with a bounce. 

Jack shut his eyes, trying every trick he could think of to calm down. Donna clenched and he opened his eyes to find the Time Lord cupping her face with one hand, the other braced on the bed. 

“Fuck, you two are going to ruin my reputation.” He bucked up and Donna rode the motion, taking that as her cue to begin an enthusiastic, undulating grind. It took four repetitions for him to catch the rhythm and join in, adding enthusiastic upward strokes in counterpoint. 

She lost the ability to multitask, gasping away from the kiss, and Jack took the opportunity to coax the Time Lord closer. 

The Doctor shuffled up obediently, still a bit distracted by the spectacle, and didn’t seem to track what Jack was doing until his tongue made contact.

The Doctor fairly shouted, gasping something that was probably supposed to be Jack’s name, and Jack was thrilled to find that it was, in fact, possible to get him out-of-breath after all. He propped himself up as best he could, bending over and sliding his mouth around cool flesh in a practiced balance of stroking and suction. 

The Time Lord went up onto his knees and then forced himself still. For all of Jack’s coaxing he couldn’t seem to get the Doctor to thrust on his own so he settled for working as best he could at an angle. 

It was still fine work, if the Doctor’s blissful gasps were any indication. 

A few minutes of that and Jack was ready to burst, but he was damned if he’d be the first one to lose it. He slipped a hand down and in at their junction, and Donna stuttered into double-time. 

Jack kept up the delicate stroking even as her movements became much more pronounced, hands clutching at his chest and abdomen where they were braced. 

Jack looked up and caught the most blissfully pleased expression etched into fine-boned features. He whimpered, momentarily overwhelmed, and Donna opened her eyes at the sound, immediately following his gaze to the Doctor. 

She clenched wildly, and tumbled over the edge with a yelp that sounded almost surprised. 

Jack followed immediately, tearing back from the Doctor to shout, bucking up. He managed to keep enough wherewithal to work Donna through her spasms, and then they both collapsed. 

There was a long pause, filled with slick sounds and desperate panting, and then the Doctor cleared his throat. “Excuse me, but I believe we were in the middle of something.” 

Jack threw his head back, gasping, and managed to say, “Be with you in a minute.” 

Donna flopped her head over to face him and managed a breathy, “Could I interest you in a self-service option?” She arched her back, letting Jack slip out, and pushed her lower half up onto her knees. 

The Doctor gave her a dubious look. “Self-service?” 

She wedged herself a little higher, still completely boneless from the hips up. “If you can get over here.” 

He shuffled around, throwing a leg over Jack’s, still stretched out beneath, and then paused, shifting back. 

Donna turned to ask what was wrong and was entirely unprepared for the swipe of a cool tongue. “Oh my God!”

“Interesting combination…” The Doctor paused and then took another lick. 

Donna shuddered, burying her face in Jack’s neck. “...Are you _tasting?!_ ” 

The Doctor hummed a vague confirmation and Jack felt her full-body shiver. “Jesus, Doc...“ 

Another lick and another chain reaction. “Now that’s interesting,” the Doctor said, sounding once again unacceptably casual. 

Donna managed to gasp out, “What?” and then shuddered again as he took another deep lick in response. 

“You said human males had an extended refractory period, but Jack seems to be taking an early interest.” 

“Think I might also be having a heart attack,” Jack said, sounding choked, “But don’t let that stop you.” 

“You heard the man,” Donna gasped, wriggling and then whimpering at the lick that followed. “Not that I’m not enjoying that, but don’t you want to―?“ She cut off with a groan as he shifted and slid into her in one smooth stroke. “Oh, that’s― That’s good.”

The Doctor groaned as well, sounding more appropriately engaged, and rocking his hips into hers, setting an easy rhythm. 

She moaned, nipples tightening where they were still pressed into Jack’s chest, her heartbeat picking up again, and he moaned at the sensation. “Holy hell...”

“Oh, sorry,” Donna panted, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to his throat. “Is this distracting?” 

Jack realized he was still lying there flat as a corpse and dragged his arms up, immediately encountering cool hands smoothing gently over the overheated skin of Donna’s sides and back as she shivered under the touch. 

He could feel himself re-hardening, far too quickly. “Fuck!” 

“Yes, that is the general plan,” the Doctor said, tangling their fingers together and continuing his purposeful pumping. 

Donna started shifting, searching for more direct stimulation and one particularly enthusiastic stroke nudged her down into Jack, resulting in a chorus of curses. She rocked down, spreading her stance, and the Doctor followed the motion until she was rocking between them, rubbing one in cadence with the strokes from the other. 

“God, that’s good!” Jack bucked up, not getting quite enough friction, but sliding deliciously against slick folds. 

Donna seemed to enjoy it, grinding down enthusiastically, stretched taut and sensitive. 

The Doctor seemed to like it as well, picking up his pace and finally starting to lose the lazy rhythm. 

They slid together, slick and overstimulated for several strokes until the Doctor choked out, “Donna?” 

“Almost,” she responded with a gasp and then three particularly firm strokes and another whimper as she came. 

The Doctor climaxed with a surprised sort of yelp, fingers spasming, and a cool rush of fluid ran down between them.

Jack nearly came again, just from the sensation.

Donna slumped back down, dragging herself off to the side this time and the Doctor went with her, chasing her mouth with his. 

Jack shoved a hand down, palming himself, and groaned when two sets of eyes followed the movement. 

“Why are you doing that?” the Doctor asked curiously. 

“Why do you think!?” 

“Surely, I could help,” the Doctor said. Before Jack could make heads or tails of that, he bent over, pushed Jack’s hand away, and casually put his mouth in its place. 

The Doctor bobbed up and down twice, swiping his tongue up the underside, and then pulled up. “You taste like all three of us.” 

Before Jack could process that, he bent back down, working his tongue around like he was having an ice lolly. 

Jack nearly lost it right then. He wrenched his head over toward Donna. “Can you reach my coat?” 

She blinked, and worked her way up onto her elbows to look around. “Looks like _someone_ dropped it over by the door.”

He gave her his best puppy dog eyes. “I’ll make it up to you…?” 

She scoffed, but rolled upright, making her somewhat unsteady way over. 

“Left pocket,” he called, and she reached in, pulling out the discrete tube.

She padded back, turning the tube over to read curiously. “Oh! Looks like someone’s prepared.” 

The Doctor disengaged with a slick sound, looking around. “Prepared for what?” 

She held up the tube and he gave it a curious look. 

“It’s lube,” Jack said, getting a little impatient about it. 

Donna walked around behind the Doctor, holding it out. “You know what you’re doing? Not exactly my area.” 

The Doctor blinked owlishly. “What would _I_ be doing?” 

“Fucking me,” Jack said, not bothering with a lead up. 

The Doctor looked between him and the tube. “Oh.”

Jack once again refused to get embarrassed. “What?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I assumed that you’d want to take the active role. Given relative experience levels.” 

“Active…?” Jack took a moment to piece that apart and then gaped. “ _You’d_ let _me_...?” He dropped his gaze lower, trying and failing to think of a delicate phrase. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” the Doctor asked and then turned his attention back to the little tube. “Would you prefer this way first?” 

“First?” Jack asked hopefully. 

The Doctor gave him another strangely blank look. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I didn’t line up a roster of other plans for the rest of the day.” He turned to Donna who was looking very interested in this debate. “Were you hoping to catch a play or something?” 

She pretended to think it over. “Sounds like the best show in town is going to be right here.” 

Jack wrenched himself up onto his knees, pulled the Doctor into a messy kiss and then dragged Donna in as well. 

“Which way first?” 


	9. Very Positive Results (Still NSFW)

Pragmatically, it made sense for Jack to top first so that the Doctor could follow his example. Or so the Doctor said. And Jack really wasn’t inclined to argue when the Time Lord rolled onto his back and spread his legs in open invitation. Donna arranged herself to the side, watching curiously. 

Jack took a moment just to take it in, trying to seal it in his memory.

“Is there normally this much staring?” the Doctor asked mildly. 

Jack shook himself out of it. “Right. So… When was the last time you…?” 

The Doctor shrugged. “I lost some non-tactical memories in the― Didn’t you cover this with the other one?” 

Unbelievably, it took Jack a moment to realize who he meant. “Um...” 

The Doctor pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Not in this body,” he said vaguely. 

“It can be a bit… different from what you might be used to,” Jack explained, as delicately as he knew how. 

“But you like it?” 

Jack couldn’t hold back a slightly lascivious grin. “Well, yeah.” 

The Doctor settled back again. “So let’s try it.”

“Must be something to it,” Donna said, supportively. “Plenty of blokes prefer it.” 

“Right,” Jack said, trying to decide whether he found the pragmatic approach off-putting or arousing. Based on how hard he was, he wasn’t particularly worried. “Guess I should ask… Do you have a prostate?” 

“Near enough,” the Doctor said. “Why?” 

“Oh, I know this,” Donna chimed in. “That’s the bit that gets stimulated and makes it a fun ride.” 

Jack smirked at her. “Now where would a nice girl like you have picked up that little bit of trivia?” 

Donna sniffed. “Just because I don’t have one, doesn’t mean it’s not handy to know about.” 

Jack quirked a brow, giving her another long look, and then refocused. He added a swath of lube to his fingers, rolling for even distribution. “Right. First things first, we’ll stretch the muscles. This part can feel a bit strange, but I’ll go slow. Let me know if it gets to be too much at any point.” 

The Doctor nodded and he pressed the tip of one finger just inside and hissed at the cool sensation. “You really do run colder than us, huh?” 

The Doctor shifted slightly under the intrusion. “Is that a problem?” 

Jack took a look at him splayed out, gripping the sheets between long fingers, and felt fairly confident that he could fuck an iceberg without flagging. “Not for _me!_ How’s it feel?” 

The Doctor shifted restlessly. “Just odd.” 

Jack carefully worked his way further in, pressing the ring wider in slowly building circles. 

Donna stroked one hand over the Doctor’s chest, more soothing than sensual, but he noticeably relaxed. Just a moment later, he tensed up, clenching, and the muscles in his abdomen leapt into sharp relief. 

“Oh, good. Works the same then,” Jack observed, stroking lightly. 

The Doctor yelped, bucking his hips up. “Does it?!” 

Jack adjusted his angle, stroking more firmly. “Just give it a second.” 

The Doctor made a delicious keening sound, clenching his teeth and dropping his head back. 

“It’s not― Is that hurting you?” Donna asked, looking like she didn’t know whether to be turned on or worried. Or both. 

He shook his head. “N-no. Just― _Jack!_ ” he yelped again. 

Jack backed off, but only to work a second finger in, scissoring. 

The Doctor didn’t seem to be able to keep still, wriggling around and making all sorts of interesting little not-quite-whimpering noises. 

Donna seemed equally affected by the display. She caught the Time Lord’s mouth like she couldn’t quite help it.

Jack took the opportunity to work his way deeper, coaxing him open in movements that were getting slightly harder to control. He pressed a quick kiss to the underside of the erection bobbing above and the Doctor cried out, breaking his kiss.

Donna didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she seemed to be enjoying taking in the tableau. Which gave Jack an idea.

“Donna, would you like a go?”

She frowned slightly. “Not really the same without a prostate is it?” 

“No, I mean…“ He held up the lube with his unengaged hand. “Do you want to have a feel for yourself?” 

She certainly looked more interested, but thought to ask the Doctor, “Is that all right?” 

“Yeah. Yes. Either one― both.” He bucked and clenched at the suggestion.

Donna shifted around, carefully coating two fingers. Jack pulled out and she slid in, feeling around curiously. “Oh, it’s colder than your mouth.”

The Doctor made a choked sound that was probably supposed to be some sort of response. 

“Feel around toward the front,” Jack advised. “You should notice a slightly―“

The Doctor bucked with a sharp cry of, “Donna!”

“Think I’ve found it,” she said, circling her fingers the way she would for herself. The Doctor writhed around, clenching, and she groaned. “That is _tight_ …” She turned to Jack with pupils blown wide. “Shouldn’t you stretch him out more?” 

He shifted around behind her. “By all means.” 

Donna settled on his lap and they all three moaned as the contact made her fingers curl. She pulled out slightly, adding a third finger, and slid back in, rubbing her free hand over his lower abdomen. Jack, ever the gentleman, slid his clean hand between her thighs, stroking in his best approximation of mirrored movements. 

A few minutes of that and the Doctor was barely on the bed at all anymore, braced up on trembling thighs. Donna was squirming in Jack’s lap and Jack was pretty sure he was going to be at risk of ruining his reputation for stamina. 

“Doc, you think you might be ready for the main event?” 

It seemed to take him a second to get his throat working. “Yes. Oh, yes!” 

Donna pushed in once more and then carefully disengaged, moving to lie on her side next to the Doctor. 

“I’ll do this properly in a bit,” Jack said, coaxing her legs open with one hand.

“You’re saying this isn’t 100%?” Donna asked and then gasped as he unceremoniously bent forward and licked his way into her. He went straight for her clit with a guaranteed crowd-pleasing move and she came with another surprised yelp. 

Jack worked her through it and turned back to the Doctor who was watching with dark, slitted eyes. “Hands and knees would be more comfortable, but―“

“No, I want to see you.”

Jack pressed a kiss to his concave belly. “Yeah, me too.” 

He nudged the Doctor into the least pretzeled position he could manage and started slowly working himself inside. 

It was startlingly cold. Jack’s first thought was that he might have been overconfident about his ability to tolerate it. But his next thought was that it was probably going to help him keep from making a total fool of himself. The Doctor made a strange little sound like he was choking, but he didn’t seem to be in pain. In fact he looked hard enough to drill his way straight through a planet. Brown eyes locked onto Jack’s with a luxuriously heated glaze.

“Keep going,” the Doctor gasped and Jack was definitely glad for the cold. 

He sank deeper, groaning at the chill, and then groaned again when a gentle hand carded through his hair. 

“Oh, that is _lovely_.” Donna sat up and snuck a kiss that he was more than happy to return. 

“Don-na,” the Doctor whined, still sounding a bit choked, “Jack’s busy!” 

She pulled back after a pointed delay, tracing one hand just below the Doctor’s naval. “I’m sure he can multitask.” 

The Doctor made a beautifully desperate sound and bucked, pulling Jack in further. Brown eyes remained locked on his, impossibly focused through the hazy expression. 

“Holy hell,” Jack swore, pumping before he could stop himself. He remembered to slide one hand under and behind, massaging the nerve clusters hidden behind the Time Lord’s pelvis.

Donna finally wrapped her hand around the Doctor, and he shuddered as Jack bottomed out at the same time. She pressed a quick kiss to Jack’s mouth and then stretched back toward the top of the bed to kiss the Doctor. 

He snatched her down with both hands, bucking between her grip and Jack’s first tentative thrust.

“God, you two.” Jack pumped out and back in, still striving for restraint. 

Donna pulled back, turning to give him a hazy look. “Sorry, is this rude?” 

The Doctor looked at him with a similarly unfocused expression. 

He couldn’t keep from smiling at them. “Only rude if you don’t let me watch.”

Donna considered that for a moment and then twisted off to the side, forcing the Doctor to turn his head and giving Jack an unobstructed view of sharp jaws and cheekbones. The Doctor reached for her again and then reconsidered, leaving only the closer hand behind her head and moving the other down to reach for Jack’s. 

Jack’s hips snapped forward without him really giving them permission and the Doctor’s eyes slitted, muscles in his neck jumping. They resumed their snog, Donna’s hand still leisurely pumping, and the Doctor’s eyes slanted unerringly toward the immortal. 

Jack shifted forward, bracing himself on his arms, occasionally dipping in to massage hidden nerve clusters, and pressing his mouth over whatever skin he could reach while he worked out a moderate rhythm. After a few luxurious minutes, Donna stopped stroking and rolled onto her stomach, pinning the Doctor’s arm, seeming perfectly content to just watch him as he writhed around, gasping and groaning and trying unsuccessfully to coax her back into contact. 

“Tired out already?” Jack gasped. 

“It’s just such a nice view.” She worked one hand free to trace her fingertips over a pulse that was fluttering at a mile a minute and the Doctor snapped his head back and arched his spine tight as a bow, nearly coming off the mattress. 

Jack took over stroking and the bow snapped, sending the Doctor over the edge with a shout. 

Jack followed in the next stroke, nearly sobbing from the relief. 

After what felt like several minutes of convulsions, they both went absolutely boneless. Jack barely had enough will to pull free before collapsing on the other side. 

The Doctor looked equally useless with satisfaction, but he made an inhuman effort to roll his head over and Jack couldn’t refuse him a slow, lazy kiss. 


	10. Resounding Success (Still NSFW)

“This day is turning out so much better than I thought it was going to,” Jack commented while idly stroking a newly-washed leg. 

“You really weren’t a hard sell,” Donna said with a laugh. She turned to the Doctor. “We should have just started with Jack and skipped the whole list.”

The Doctor frowned. “Those dates were perfectly researched!” 

“I know,” Donna crooned patronizingly.

“Hang on―” Jack finally caught up. “Those were _dates??_ ”

The Time Lord scoffed indignantly. “Of course they were!” 

Jack propped himself up on one arm to look at them properly. “You two want to join all three of us? In a full-on polycule?”

Donna shrugged a bit defensively. “Well, it makes sense doesn’t it? And you three are clearly open to at least some… sharing…?” 

Jack looked back and forth between them in confusion and then rising enthusiasm. “You’re serious? Dinner in the crystal caves? A day out in Victorian England?” Inexplicably, Jack started laughing. “Rose thought you were trying to work up the nerve to tell us you were engaged!” 

“What?!” the Doctor yelped and Donna squawked. 

“We thought you were going to kick us out at the next stop for your honeymoon.”

The Time Lord screwed up his entire face in confusion. “ _What?!?_ Even the other one??”

Jack sobered a bit, wiping his eyes. “Well. We didn’t ask him. Figured it was a sore subject, y’know.” 

Donna shot an inquisitive glance toward the Time Lord whose face was contorted in confusion. “A sore subject?” he repeated. 

“Well,” Jack said, sounding a bit awkward. “With… you know…” He tilted his head in Donna’s direction, but jerked back to center as soon as he realized she could see him. 

Donna carefully placed that aside to be considered later. 

“Those were clearly dates!” the Doctor went right back to arguing. “Food, dress, and a social activity that allows for conversation… We did all the research!” 

“He’s not kidding,” Donna said. “There were lists and charts.” She rolled her eyes over to the Time Lord. “Pretty sure ‘clear communication’ was on one of those lists,” she hinted unsubtly. 

“The 21st century standard clearly delimited between ‘clear communication’ and the importance of ‘non-verbal signaling,’” the Doctor said, with the tone of a repeat argument. “Formally documented courtships are out of vogue by your time.” 

Donna rolled her eyes again, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Never mind,” she groaned. “Jack, what do you think?”

Jack looked back and forth between the two of them like a gambling addict being offered cards. “You want my advice on how to propose an orgy?” 

Donna winced and the Doctor made a noise like Jack had ripped out a vital organ and presented it to him. “Oh, don’t call it―”

Jack interrupted with a more important question. “I’m _invited_ to the orgy, right?”

“It’s not―! _Must_ you be so crass?” The Doctor scowled. 

“Kidding, kidding!” Jack put his hands up. “You two are awfully uptight for people who I happen to know definitely know your way around a threesome.” 

“Captain!” 

“You’re the one who wants to shag his twin!” Jack teased, grinning. He turned to Donna. “They’ll let us watch, right?” 

“Jack!” the Doctor squawked. 

Donna leaned in. “Has Rose told you about all the times we’ve caught them spooning?” 

“ _Donna!_ ”

Jack laughed, feeling younger than he had in centuries. “Have I mentioned how much I _like_ you, Donna Noble?” 

“Oh, hush,” Donna brushed him off, but pursed her lips, unmistakably pleased. 

Jack knew nothing if not how to press an advantage. He rolled back in, sliding a hand up her thigh. “Have you considered just asking them?” 

Donna looked down at his hand, but didn’t comment as it crept higher. “I asked the other Doctor.”

Jack’s brows hiked up, but he only asked, “...And?” 

“...It’s just Rose left,” Donna said, watching his hand sneak around behind. 

“So what’s stopping you?” Jack asked.

“Donna thinks Rose might not be…” The Doctor tilted his head vaguely. “...Interested in women.”

“Or me,” Donna mumbled. 

Jack watched as she somehow managed to look self-conscious while still stretched out between two very interested partners. He also realized that there was nothing stopping him from―

“Jack!” Donna squealed, laughing, as he rolled her under himself, burying his face in her neck and mouthing at the ticklish skin there. He wedged both arms under her, pulling her in as tightly as possible and just squeezed with his whole body.

Donna laughed and squirmed delightfully.

“Who could resist you?” Jack asked, growling a bit, and earning a full-bodied shiver. 

“Rose might not like women at all!” Donna said, giggling and wriggling. 

“Ah, you could win her over,” Jack said confidently. “Or…” He braced himself up to look at her. “Do you want me to ask?” He added a smile like sin itself. “Maybe I could bring some photos? For the pitch, you know.” 

Donna looked delightfully discombobulated, eyeing him like she wasn’t quite sure what to do with that. But she definitely wasn’t pushing him off. 

Jack smiled again, leaning in for a slow, heated kiss. “What do you think?” he asked, pulling back just far enough before reconnecting. “I could make them…” Another slow snog. “ _Very_ tasteful…” He curled his tongue against hers, hands wandering. 

“Do you two want some time alone?” the Doctor asked mildly.

Donna pulled back just far enough to say, “No one’s forcing you to just sit there and watch.” She worked an arm free to hook him closer. “Could make yourself useful.” 

“And how exactly would you recommend I apply myself here?” he asked primly. 

Jack pulled back this time to say, “Lube’s on the nightstand.” 

A cool hand ghosted over Jack’s back. “You mean…?”

Jack craned his neck around to look at him. “You want an engraved invitation?” 

Donna laughed. “I’d like to see that invitation. ‘Dearest Doctor, You are hereby formally invited to a buggering at a time and place of your choosing…’”

The Doctor scoffed, faintly indignant, but it didn’t stop him getting up and going around to the nightstand. Jack managed to coax Donna further up the bed and after only a moment of hesitation he felt the mattress dip again. 

“You remember how?” Jack asked, not particularly worried about it himself. He’d been through some rough sessions before and he was already turned on enough to want it a little forceful. 

“Course I do,” the Doctor said with his usual touch of arrogance, but the hand that grazed his thigh was all too tentative. 

Jack paused in his exploration of Donna’s midsection, forcing himself to be patient. Understanding. “I won’t break. I even like it a bit rough― you don’t have to worry.” 

“I’m not worried,” the Doctor scoffed. “But I’m certainly not going to hurt you.” He ran a tickling touch over Jack’s flanks, making him shudder. 

But no movement followed.

Donna sighed, her abdomen expanding and contracting. “You want to watch him, don’t you?” It was barely a question. 

Jack waited for the correction and then turned his head when it didn’t come. The Doctor was settled behind him, hands hovering, with an uneasy expression. “I can wait until you’re done,” he offered. 

Donna sighed again. “No, no, it’s cute. You and your eye contact.” She wriggled her way out from under Jack, encouraging him to roll over instead.

Jack moved onto his back with a funny little flip in his stomach, like he was some maid about to be deflowered. 

The Doctor didn’t seem to know where to look, casting a guilty glance at Donna, but not quite able to keep from sweeping dilated eyes over Jack. “I really can―“

“If you’re going to interrupt, you should at least follow through with the show,” Donna advised primly, sidling in next to him with a soft touch that belied the tone. 

“As ‘the show’ in question here, I agree,” Jack chimed in drolly. He propped himself up on his arms, letting his legs fall open in what he knew to be a sexy sprawl. 

It went over well, if the heated looks were any indication.

The Doctor placed a tentative hand on the inside of his thigh, but hesitated, rolling the tube in his other hand. 

Jack caught Donna’s eye and cocked a brow, inviting. 

She blinked and her cheeks pinkened, but she reached for the tube. “Here, I’ll help.”

The Doctor jerked his head to the side to stare at her, immediately passing it over. 

Donna propped herself up against his side and casually lubed up three fingers. Jack didn’t wait for her to ask, angling his hips accommodatingly, and she smiled faintly. “Right, so, just one to start, yes?” She traced a small circle, maddeningly light, and Jack had to fight the urge to just shove himself down. 

“You can start with two,” he said. “It’s not _my_ first time.”

Donna tutted, pushing just one fingertip inside, intolerably gently. “I’m not going to try to hurt you,” she chided, starting a slow stretching motion. 

“No, really,” he said, “You’ve got lovely little hands. But that means...”

“Ah,” she said, and slipped a second finger inside without further prompting. 

Jack groaned as she began a lovely scissoring motion, angling around, searching. “Ah! Right there!” 

Donna went up onto her knees a bit, eyes darkening, and the Doctor seemed to be regaining his nerve. 

He slid the hand on Jack’s thigh higher, reaching for the lube with his other. “May I?”

Jack realized on a delay that he was being asked a question and just nodded. A third, longer finger worked its way in between Donna’s and pressed in the same place.

Jack’s hips bucked, chasing the contact. 

“Now _that_ is lovely,” Donna said, seemingly to herself. Two fingers led the third in a delightful circle of uneven pressure.

Jack worked himself up onto his heels, bracing. 

“All right there, Jack?” the Doctor asked and then purposefully pressed in, an odd, cool presence. 

“Yeah, great. Ready too. More than!” He tried to ease off, but they followed the motion, teasing pleasure so sharp it was nearly painful. 

“What if we’re not done with this part?” Donna asked. “I’m not even participating in the next bit you know.” 

“That’s not _my_ fault!” Jack objected, practically coming off the mattress. 

The Doctor went a bit stiff, giving her a nervous look out of the corner of his eye. “I…”

Donna sighed and carefully pulled free. “No, it’s cute, you wanting to look him in the eyes.” She gave him a kiss on the corner of the mouth and got up. “Go on then.” 

The Doctor swiveled around to watch her as she walked around the bed. “Where are you going?”

She gave him an odd look, as she moved to wash her hands. “Just cleaning up.” 

The Doctor hesitated, disengaging, but only moving his hand to rest on his own leg. “But…”

Donna sighed. “Fine. Where would you like me to sit that is close enough that you feel I’m engaged, but not so close that I get in the way?”

The Doctor frowned faintly, opening his mouth, but Jack cut him off.

“Not that anyone asked, but I have a suggestion.” The couple looked over, surprised and slightly embarrassed. “Right. Remember the one with actual experience in this area?” He couldn’t help smirking at their expressions. “Good. Now if you’ll just give me a moment.” He shifted up and piled a few pillows under himself, creating a bit of an awkward angle, but he was certainly limber enough to manage. He settled back and beckoned Donna closer. “Donna, would this work for you?” 

She perked up. “You want me to…?”

Jack leaned back on his elbows. “Only if you’re interested.” 

She gave him a look up and down, broadcasting interest, and swung a leg over. Jack angled to the side and cocked an expectant brow at the Doctor. “Would this work?” Donna turned as well, regarding him in profile. 

The Doctor looked them over with wide eyes, blown nearly black. “Ye―“ He cleared his throat. “Yeah.” 

Jack turned to Donna. “Work for you?”

“Mmhmm,” she hummed, sliding down and taking him in in one go. 

Jack groaned, baring his teeth as she leaned forward, stretching out on top of him. “Was going to say ‘when you’re ready.’” 

Donna slid up and down experimentally. “Ready now, thanks.” 

Jack set his teeth at her clavicle, biting just a bit harder than he meant to. He raised his eyes to the Time Lord, who was watching with that odd blank look as he lined himself up. 

Jack let his eyes slit practically closed, but remembered to keep them open, unable to hold back a moan as the Doctor worked his way inside. He was still cold, but it was an entirely different feeling this way around. Jack found himself panting slightly. 

The Doctor pushed in deeper, angling, and he stroked over the sensitive nerves, sparking a chain reaction of bucking and moaning that they all three enjoyed. He leaned forward and it took Jack a moment to realize what he was angling for. Jack leaned up agreeably and got himself an absurdly sweet kiss for the middle of a threesome. 

The Doctor pulled back and pumped forward and Donna clenched around him in delightful reaction. The Doctor repeated the motion, slowly but no longer pausing, starting a rocking rhythm. 

Jack had to break the kiss to angle properly, but the Doctor seemed just as happy to stare with wide eyes that seemed to be cataloging his every reaction. Jack tried to put on a good show, letting his eyes fall nearly closed and angling his head back, but the Doctor moved slowly, dragging over every nerve until the slow-burn pleasure was nearly painful.

“Harder,” Jack urged. 

The Doctor hesitated and then thrust in with just a bit more force. Jack braced his legs, arching back. 

“I’m not breakable. I like it hard.”

Another pause and then another thrust, this time nearly twice as hard. “Like this…?” 

“Yesss,” Jack groaned heartily, echoed by Donna. “Hard as you can. Honestly, _Time Lord_.” 

The Doctor pulled nearly all the way out and then slammed back, knocking Jack up, making him brace his hands against the headboard.

Donna rocked in with an enthusiastic groan and Jack let his head fall back, reveling. “Oh, God, yes…” 

The Time Lord hesitated and then thrust again, even harder. Jack felt the force reverberate through his arms, shoulders, and spine. 

“Do _not_ stop!” he tried for an authoritative tone, but was pretty sure it came out as more of a plea. 

The Doctor, contrarily, held himself back. “You’ll tell me if it’s too―“

“It’s not too much! It’s perfect!” Jack interrupted, far beyond patience. “Don’t you _dare_ stop!” He tried to hook him in by the legs, but couldn’t get enough leverage. “Keep going!” 

The Doctor started up again, actually putting his back into it, and Jack met him on every thrust, not bothering to keep his voice down. Donna rocked in fantastic unison, clenching like the loveliest vice. 

A few minutes of that and the humans were completely incoherent, moaning and writhing, hands moving restlessly over whatever skin they could reach. They were all three sandwiched together, contorted into a complicated tangle that was growing more and more precarious with every movement. 

Jack felt Donna tensing, snapping taut around him and she gasped, sounding nearly pained. 

The Doctor stuttered, head turning, but she managed a strangled, “Don’t you dare stop!” 

Jack groaned, open-mouthed against her shoulder. “God―“ He choked, losing the thread. “Doc, tell me you’re close, because I―“ He bit down, slightly harder than he meant to and Donna yelped, spasming even harder. 

“Jack,” the Doctor called, and Jack forced his eyes open to find the Time Lord leaning forward. 

It was a terrible angle for a kiss, but Jack was nothing if not resourceful. The tendons in his neck stretched to the point of snapping, but he managed to catch cool lips with his own, just enough to trade gasping breaths. 

The Doctor came in a cool rush of sensation, and Jack followed nearly instantaneously with a sharp cry. Every muscle clenched, including his hands and the whole thing sent Donna over again with a sound like a sob. 

“Jesus _fuck_ ,” Jack gasped, when he regained the ability to speak several minutes later. “Did I die?” 

“You certainly shouted like it,” the Doctor said, disengaging with a wince. Donna rolled to the side with what seemed to be a great deal of effort, flopping bonelessly to the bed. 

“…Donna?” 

“Donna’s not in right now,” she mumbled. “Someone shagged her to death.” 

The Doctor gave her a worried look that would’ve set Jack off laughing if he’d had any breath left.

He unlocked his limbs, one agonizing muscle group at a time, groaning at each stage. “I might need a nap,” he managed to grit out. “And possibly a fluid drip.” 

The Doctor turned his worried look on him. “Did I hurt you?” 

“Ohhh, no.” Jack made the heroic effort to shove himself down far enough to lie back properly, tugging the other two over. “What’s the opposite of that? Too hard to remember words right now…” 

The Doctor pulled the blanket over from where it was knotted several feet from Donna’s vague groping. “Are you two all right?” he asked, tucking the covering over them. 

“Yes!” they answered in exasperated unison. 

“How is he still talking?” Jack asked, spread out on his back, eyes already closed. 

“God, don’t ask,” Donna groaned, stretching out into a similar sprawl. “You’ll only get him going again.” She reached blindly for the Doctor, catching his shoulder on the second try. “C’mere,” she mumbled.

“Are you really going to go to sleep?” he asked, crowding in next to her regardless. 

“Nooo,” she said, sarcastically. “‘M wide awake,” she rolled onto her side, pulling him half on top of her. “Let’s go dancing.” 

The Doctor huffed, but she was already asleep. 


	11. Updated Plans (You guessed it― NSFW)

Jack enjoyed a rather romantic snog with the Doctor while Donna slept in a bit. The Doctor made the loveliest little noises, nearly sighs, and kissed like a fairytale. If fairytales were written for very open-minded adults. 

The Time Lord stroked his hands up the immortal's arms, tracing muscles and leaving little tickling trails of sensation. Jack shifted, trying not to flinch, but the Doctor caught him tensing. 

“What’s―?”

“It’s nothing,” Jack said, pressing right back in.

The Doctor’s brows knit further, eyes slitting open. “ _What’s_ nothing?”

Jack was already trying to coax him back into the kiss. “Just a little sore.”

“Did you wrench your back?” Donna bobbed up and both men startled violently, clutching at each other. 

“D―!”

“Donna!” 

“You’re awake!”

“How long have you been awake?”

Donna ignored them, trying to get a look at Jack’s trapezius. “Was I too heavy for you?” 

“Of course not!” Jack slapped on something like his usual easy smile. “It’s fine! Really! Just a little sensitive― Ah!” 

“Has your back been sore this whole time?” the Doctor asked, prodding around his shoulder blades. 

“It’s not sore _now!_ ” Jack argued, sitting up and back. 

“Then why are you flinching?” The Doctor came right up with him, still angling for a closer look.

“Because you’re poking me! And not in a fun way!” 

“Undue stress can’t be good for you. You’re immortal, not invincible,” the Doctor said, and casually bent his knees to catch Jack in place, not seeming to have any second thoughts about that maneuver while naked. 

Jack arched awkwardly, not used to having his allure so summarily ignored. “It’s fine! Just need to remember to stretch is all!” He sat up on his knees and then winced again. 

“Here, let me help,” the Doctor said, and nonchalantly flipped him over onto his stomach, pinning him. 

“Doc!” Jack turned his head to try to look at him, but could only make so much out of the corner of his eye. He turned to Donna, now much closer and looking faintly embarrassed like her beloved pet had just run in and started humping his leg. 

“Doctor, you probably―”

“Ah!” Cold hands pressed in at Jack’s back, making him suddenly very aware of the strained muscles he’d been ignoring. Jack pressed his forehead into the mattress, teeth gritting. “Doc, what―?” 

“I can work out these knots,” the Doctor said, like that was in any way Jack’s question. “It’ll help if you’re more relaxed.” Apparently thinking that was all the explanation needed, he ground his clever fingers in and started working. 

“ _Ah!_ ” Jack gasped again and then immediately groaned as the pressure spiked and released before being reignited, slightly lower. “Oh, that’s _good!_ ”

“I don’t know if you know this,” the Doctor said, conversationally, “But I happen to have an encyclopedic knowledge of human anatomy. Including pressure points.” He worked his fingers into the spaces between bone and sinew like he was going to force every ounce of stress out manually. 

After a few minutes, Jack realized he was panting, and looked around for the only one of them he could see. 

Donna certainly seemed entertained, watching him gasp into the mattress with darkening eyes. 

Jack felt himself regaining the interest he’d lost in the scuffle. He managed to stuff a few pillows under himself, getting his face out of the mattress and then got momentarily distracted as the Doctor nonchalantly resettled between his legs and then went right back to massaging. 

Jack stretched flat, moaning, and fought the urge to bite the nearest pillow. 

He managed to get his arm out, reaching for Donna, but realized even he couldn’t do much at this angle. “Donna, could you come up here?”

The bed shifted and Donna wormed in next to him, fastening her mouth over his and pressing in eagerly. 

Jack returned the kiss with as much finesse as he could manage, but cut off, moaning when the Doctor kneaded into nerves he hadn’t realized could be reached manually. “I actually meant―” He worked a hand over her hip, pointedly. “Could you sit up here?” 

Donna rocked forward, but asked. “You sure? You don’t have to―” 

“Please come here!” he begged, shamelessly eager not to be the only one writhing around. 

Donna, bless her, wriggled up, and crawled higher on the bed. She settled above him, a bit too far away. “Like this?” 

Jack dragged his head up just far enough to yank her down, burying his face in between her legs and licking straight into her. 

“Oh my God!” Donna bucked delightfully, hands digging into his hair. Jack groaned approval and pressed his tongue flat, stroking. 

“Oh.” The Doctor’s steady movements hitched, pausing, and Jack moaned, angling up as best he could. “That’s…” The Time Lord’s breathing picked up.

“Keep going!” Donna ordered with all the limited authority she could muster. 

The Doctor dug back in, just a hair rougher, and Jack groaned approval, earning a hearty moan from the ginger. Cool hands made a sweeping motion, following the lines of muscles Jack spent most of his time forgetting he had. He rumbled approval and Donna bucked. 

Jack writhed, trying to coax more direct contact where he really wanted it, but the Doctor had him pinned and seemed not to notice. 

He licked at Donna a bit less gently in response, but she didn’t seem to mind, bucking and mewling. He could feel her getting close and focused his attention, suckling just so. 

She gasped, tightening, but he carefully kept up his gentle pressure as she spasmed. 

She came down, panting, and nearly jack-knifed in two when he resumed his careful exploration. “Oh my God, Jack!” 

He backed off a little, carefully licking. 

He did crack an eye open, trying to gauge where the lube had rolled off to. He suspected it was still on the nightstand. “Doc,” he gasped. “Lube.” 

“In a minute,” the Doctor said, insultingly unhurried. He worked clever fingers into the tight muscles just between his shoulders, arching out in aching lines. 

Jack whimpered, licked, and added an emphatic, “Please,” letting his lips press the plea into over-sensitized flesh. 

Donna mewled, writhing. “Oh, you heard the man!”

Cool fingers paused, but retreated, and returned much lower, gloriously slick. 

Jack moaned approval, flattening his tongue and earning a chorus of enthusiastic curses. 

“Language,” the Doctor scolded, working Jack open like he had all the time in the world. 

“For fuck’s sake,” Jack panted, “Either get inside me or get a strap-on for Donna.” He added a slightly less patient suck for emphasis.

Donna bucked up, moaning. 

Long fingers twitched, curling, and pulled out, replaced almost immediately by a luxuriously solid length. Jack waited until he was properly aligned and beginning his slow push. He shoved backwards, taking the Doctor in up to the root. 

“ _Jack!_ ” 

But Jack just groaned emphatically, sending Donna back over the edge. 

He gave her a moment and then licked again, earning a full-bodied shudder. 

“Oh, God…” 

The Doctor groaned and thrust, just a fraction harder. 

“You remember what I said?” Jack puffed. 

The Doctor paused. “It’d throw off your rhythm,” he pointed out. 

Donna’s writhing suddenly turned into pushing at his shoulders and Jack backed up obligingly, pushing onto his elbows. “I’m sure I can―“ 

“No need,” she said, unhooking her knees and fairly shoving herself down the bed, wrestling pillows out of the way and sliding into the narrow space under him. “Could you lift up?” 

He pulled his hips back and she worked a hand down between them, pulling him inside without any preamble. 

He snapped in, a bit rougher than he meant to, but she moaned, shoving her hips up to meet him. 

There was a pause and then both humans turned to look at the Doctor, hazily expectant. 

He rocked forward, much more controlled, and the both moaned, but there was an exasperated edge. 

“Do I _really_ have to beg?” Donna asked. 

He rocked again, intolerably carefully. “Weren’t you both already sore?” 

“Stop arguing and start― Ah!” He thrust in, still at about half-strength, but it was enough to knock them both up the mattress a couple of inches. “Oh, that’s good. Harder!” She reached up, fisting her hands in the sheets and bracing. 

The Doctor thrust again, noticeably harder. 

Jack braced around her, angling back with a groan. “You heard the lady!” 

The next thrust nearly dislodged them, but it was met with an enthusiastic chorus.

“Ohhh, that’s good!”

“Do _not_ stop!”

He rocked again, knocking them up the mattress until Jack could reach the headboard, bracing back. His next thrust caused a ripple of muscles, but he managed to hold his position, Donna bucking up under him with a shout.

“Just like that!” she begged, and the Doctor obliged, not holding back. 

Every thrust slammed into Jack’s over-sensitized nerves, thrusting him into the enthusiastically clenching body beneath, completely overwhelming his senses. 

“Oh, God,” he gasped, “Please tell me you’re close.” 

“Oh God yes,” Donna gasped. “Just waiting on you.” She tightened around him, nearly whiting him out. 

The Doctor’s pace stuttered and sped up as he thrust once, twice, and then buried himself with a shout. The cool rush sent Jack over and Donna went right with him. 

It took nearly seven minutes for anyone to remember how to breathe properly. 

* * *

They were an hour late to the rendez-vous point, but Rose and the metacrisis Doctor were two hours late so no one mentioned it. 

“Rose!” the Doctor greeted, stepping around his suspiciously tan twin. “How would you feel about a date with Donna?”

“What?” Rose asked.

“I could actually ask on my own,” Donna said, brushing sand out of the metacrisis Doctor’s hair as he hugged her. "Scratchy," she said fondly, as his beard rubbed her cheek. 

“Donna,” the Doctor called. “Go on.” 

Donna rolled her eyes, but came the rest of the way up the ramp. “Rose, would you fancy a date with me?”

Rose grinned. “Ooh, a girls day? Absolutely!” 

“Um,” Donna said. “Not exactly what I―” 

“Could we go to a spa, do you think?” 

Both the Doctors winced, but Donna tilted her head, considering. “Actually… I guess we _could._ If you’d like.” 

Rose jumped over, pulling her into an enthusiastic hug. “I’ll go get changed!” she said and ran off down the corridor. 

“Right…” Donna said, and turned to Jack. “You see why this might be a bit complicated?” 

Jack just smiled and threw an arm around the metacrisis Doctor. “No, this could work. What’s your easiest-to-take-off outfit?”

“My what?” Donna asked at the same time as the Time Lord answered, “That green wrap dress.”

“ _Doctor!_ ” she squawked.

“What?” 

“I’m actually still standing right here,” the metacrisis Doctor reminded, coughing into his fist. 

“Sounds like you should go change into that green wrap dress,” Jack said, laughing. 


End file.
